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How to catch a hunny when Valentine's Day is in less than 1 month

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JANUARY 22, 2018

There is not much time left, Bears… Don’t let those pickup lines go to waste. The last thing you want is to proclaim your love to Oski and then get rejected. UC Berkeley students are not particularly known for having the greatest opportunity for romance, whether it’s because of the deterring odor of EECS geeks or the snobby attitude of “pre-Haas” snakes. One thing does unite all of us, though: our collective interest in vintage memes and self-deprecating humor. Here are some ways you can impress that special someone so you have a hunny before this rapidly approaching Valentine’s Day.

The Knuckles Meme

Nothing’s more dang romantic than asking your bae to “show you da wae.” Pair this special meme with a magic carpet ride through Sproul and they are all yours. An added bonus: Knuckles is red, the color of passion and burning love.

Reverse psychology

This one is kind of tricky, since it relies on you knowing about what your valentine is good at. For example, if they’re great at cooking, try to cook for them and make it seem like you can’t cook for crap. Then, present them with the final product and watch them be blown away by your “effort.”

Hidden message

“Will you be my Valentine?” has 21 characters. So, starting Jan. 25, try to start spelling out the phrase by sneakily emphasizing each character in conversation or text. This may only work if you already maintain some form of written communication between you and your hunny. If not, just make sure you don’t look like a creep.

Squirrel wingman

There will never be a shortage of our fat friends around campus. All you need to do to lure one is to set a trap with some greasy food. Hopefully it’ll shortly become incapacitated by a food coma. At that point, tie a pink or red bow around the squirrel’s head and present it to your significant other with a card saying, “I am going nuts for you!” when you’re ready to proclaim your love.

A Sliver date

This one’s mostly for when you or certain bae doesn’t have a gluten allergy and loves pizza. To make sure things don’t get awkward, make sure he/she doesn’t prefer Cheese Board. If you want to be super cute, request your pizza in advance to be shaped like a heart. If neither of you are into pizza, consider going to Walgreens and buying the pre-packaged sushi in a heart-shaped container.

Propose to their dog

This is ONLY if you and potential bae have any sense of humor. Set up the most romantic location you can find on campus (the top of the Campanile) with fairy lights and smooth jazz playing in the background. Hold their hand and start speaking from your heart about the other person. When they give a look of speechlessness, tell them you meant their pet, Fido, the entire time. If they laugh, yay! You found yourself a valentine.

Dedicate a meme on the meme page to your one and only

What a wonderful surprise! They would’ve never suspected to be the secret artistic muse of another fellow memer. The more over-the-top, the better.

Don’t let the beginning of midterms slow you down from your pursuit of love, Bears. It’s important to remember that we all struggle together. At the very least, set up a time to take a break from studying and get dinner with bae. A meaningful conversation is what most of us are looking for at the end of the day.

Contact Malvika Singhal at [email protected].

JANUARY 21, 2018