A periodic letter to Stanford, that junior university across the Bay

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FEBRUARY 06, 2018

Dear Stanford,

How’ve you been? It’s been quite some time since we last spoke. I believe it may have been in 1970, when over here in the East Bay we confirmed the discovery of Dubnium. But that’s in the past. We want to talk about the now.

Here at UC Berkelium, we heard you were feeling a bit down. It’s okay, though. We know all about your visit to the (in)Fermium, so we thought we might offer you a Curium. Since your illness was caused by embarrassment, try not to worry that you haven’t discovered any elements — you are still just as Nobelium. You try your best, and that’s what matters. Compared to us, you aren’t any Einsteinium, but who says you have to be? There are a lot of other notable discoveries you could easily lay claim to. Here are some ideas: a vape pen for alcohol, Nikes for dogs, a portable kitchen for dorm rooms, etc.

You can also check in with one of the other universities in Americium, or narrow the search to Californium, to see who has comparable Technetium. After all, it’s well-established that it’s hard to compete with us across the Bay. You might as well try to reach Neptunium or Plutonium by yourself! Perhaps another university’s accomplishments might be more within your reach.

We know you’ve been saying that it’s been a long time since we discovered Astatine, but there’s no need to be bitter. It wasn’t so long ago that Seaborgium came about. We’re still quite proud of that one, too.

Who knows what the future may hold for you, Stanford? There may be some more elements waiting for you. Just don’t name it Mendelevium — that one’s already taken.


UC Berkeley

Contact Hailey Johnson at 


FEBRUARY 07, 2018