7 reasons you should never, ever join a fraternity

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You may have considered joining a club or a co-op, but as you turned the corner of Bancroft and Piedmont, you saw large painted boards inviting you to “Rush (insert Greek letters here).” This seemed like a good idea that got you thinking, “Oh wow, I’d like to become a frat star,” but the idea of actually being a pledge never entered your mind.

Before you jump into anything, revisit your commitment issues and consider the following horrors that pledging a frat entails:

Cleaning up after parties

You may not always be able to attend the party, but lucky for you, you’ll always get to clean up after it instead. Imagine the joys that await after hundreds of people have graced the halls and bathrooms of the house. Doors will be broken, floors will be plastered in beer, and if you’re lucky, there may even be some human feces in the shower for you to wipe up.

Working the door at parties

Besides the fact that you won’t be at the party, you’ll definitely be yelled at a lot because you aren’t letting every single person in. Nobody cares that they don’t have a bid, they deserve to come to a party because their one friend is in there, and you’re the pledge standing between them and them blacking out.

Pledge errands

As we’ve already established, you’ll definitely have to clean up at one point or another. But the fun doesn’t stop there. You may also be asked to do someone’s homework, get someone food or even pick up a bagel for your pledge master’s girlfriend. What a way to keep your dignity intact!

Vitali

Don’t think for a second you’ll be drinking anything above the caliber of Vitali and Coors Light. No IPAs or even Smirnoff for you! Plus, if you’re just starting out, odds are your tolerance won’t be very high, so you’ll spend a lot of time returning that vodka to the outside world, via your mouth. Fun.

Living in a frat

What a dream. There’s nothing like parties on the daily and random people going through your room. Even if there isn’t a party, frats like to do this weird thing where they blast music even though nothing is happening. Good luck sleeping or studying.

Random people

In addition to random people being in your house all the time, there are also random dudes who join. There’s no background check for joining Greek life. Any guy in the area can walk into a frat during rush and join. As long as he’s “like, a chill dude.”

Your personality

Even if you make it all the way through being a pledge, odds are you’ve seen some stuff and your mind has been altered to an extreme state of frat star. There may be a way to retrieve said lost souls, but scientists haven’t found any cure yet. 

If your inner bro is still telling you to rush, by all means, go for it. But keep in mind that you could also play a sport (intramural, club, maybe even varsity) or join one of the many other clubs on campus. Just follow your heart.

Contact Hailey Johnson at [email protected].