The time has finally come for us to bid our beloved Winter Olympics adieu. It’s been a wild ride of bobsledding and slalom skiing — both of which we still don’t entirely understand. As the curtains drop in Pyeongchang, we would like to reflect on what a special time these past two weeks have been.
The games have led us to become self-appointed bobsled experts. Never mind the fact that we don’t actually know the first thing about bobsledding technique. We’ve seen “Cool Runnings” — we know everything there is to know about the sport. Our criticism of athletes far beyond our depth doesn’t end there. Our ruthless critiques of ice skaters put the Olympic judges to shame. This is particularly ironic, considering we tripped over our laptop charger four times last night.
Our skewed athletic understanding aside, some of the sports from the Winter Olympics genuinely astound us. Take the biathlon, for instance. The cross-country skiing aspect alone is enough to leave us in awe. The idea of a trek uphill while the athletes’ feet are bound to skis bewilders us. We trip over our own feet when we walk up Bancroft Way. Just when we think that we’ve got the hang of what’s going on, the athletes whip out rifles and we find ourselves in the wild west of South Korea. How this event came into being is beyond us. One thing’s for certain: We’ll have whatever the creator of this sport was having.
The opening ceremony is cool, and the medals are cute, but they haven’t got anything on those speed-skating suits. Those next-level patriotic Spanx have us green with envy. Imagine how much time we could shave off our commute to Etcheverry Hall if we were that aerodynamic. We would bob and weave our way through Sproul with ease. Not only do they effectively cut down wind resistance, but they allow you to look like fish while doing so.
Everyone loves to compare the Winter Games to those in the summer. Apples to oranges, people. The Winter Olympics are seriously underrated. Ski jumping has Sir Issac Newton scratching his head as athletes straight up fly through the air. The skeleton event is childhood sledding on steroids. We would like to see your beloved Michael Phelps complete a Salchow, skate backwards and land a double axel on a tiny metal blade upon ice. Yeah, good luck to that fish out of water.