Clog report: FSM Cafe’s espresso machine breaks; hysteria ensues

Zainab Ali/File

Last week, there was a shift in the atmosphere at UC Berkeley. Campus seemed a little more upsetting than usual. At every corner you turned, there would be groups of multiple students crying hysterically, rocking back and forth in a fetal position or frozen in a zombie state. Although these students were clearly experiencing a breakdown of some sort, witnesses reveal that they would still be trying to study for exams with textbooks strewn around them and laptops securely gripped in their hands.

When Clog reporters tried to interview these students to get to the source of the mass hysteria, students merely pointed in the direction of Free Speech Movement, or FSM, Cafe and began sobbing uncontrollably again.

“You have to see it to believe it,” a senior managed to confess through short breaths.

To get to the bottom of this, Clog reporters followed the direction the students had pointed. Like every other college student, however, our reporters needed their daily fix of caffeine to keep alert on the job. As they were walking into FSM Cafe to grab a quick coffee, our own Clog reporters were met with the reason for mass hysteria. Attached to FSM Cafe’s registers were signs that read, “Espresso machine is broken.” Without this espresso machine, no one could conveniently receive caffeinated coffee to help them manage and get through the day.

While some claim that students are overreacting, many feel that students are acting as they should.

“I’ve had to extend the due dates for papers because of this! I feel for the students. Thankfully, I get my caffeine from tea, so this doesn’t really affect me. But if FSM ran out of hot water and tea bags, I don’t know what I’d do,” a peace and conflict studies professor shared with the Clog.

“I really don’t understand why these kids are so upset. The only thing I know is that they’ll be even more upset if they fail my midterm this week. Hopefully, they can still study through their tears,” an economics professor expressed to our reporters.

After a few days, these signs were taken down and FSM Cafe’s espresso machine was revived, along with our student body. Although some are still in intense recovery, many students have returned to their normal habits. With student breakdowns only happening at every other corner, campus has seemed to return to its regular amount of sadness.

Contact Joyce Cam at [email protected].