Quiz: Will your precious laptop get stolen anytime soon?

Aren Saunders-Gonzalez/File

With the recent continuation of laptop thefts at various student-filled Berkeley cafes, it seems as though no one’s personal computers are safe from being snatched. So, we at the Clog have created a 100 percent accurate predictor to find out whether or not your precious MacBook or piece-of-crap Windows computer (no shade) will remain in your hands — at least for the time being. Take this quiz to find out if your laptop has the strength to withstand those shady Berkeley laptop thieves.

  1. Where do you typically do your studying?
    1. In the comfort of my own home.
    2. Caffe Strada.
    3. Moffitt.
    4. Studying is for losers.
  2. What kind of laptop do you have?
    1. Laptops are for chums. Paper notebooks all the way.
    2. The latest and greatest MacBook Pro (with the Touch Bar)!
    3. I have an iPad Pro. It’s way more convenient.
    4. A 2002 PC.
  3. Do you even lift, bro?
    1. I lift food off of plates to put in my mouth, if that’s what you’re asking.
    2. I guess?
    3. All day, every day. My killer biceps would deter any thief.
    4. What’s lifting?
  4. What kind of stickers do you have on your laptop?
    1. Stickers are stupid! What a waste of money!
    2. “You Birkenrock” and other trending Redbubble picks because I’m ~trendy~ like that.
    3. Stickers that I designed and printed myself, ’cause I’m a boss.
    4. None. No sticker can mask the ugliness of my computer.
  5. On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your reflexes?
    1. I’d say I’m a solid 7.
    2. Maybe a 2? I’m unobservant af.
    3. Reflexes, schmeflexes. Mine are out of this world, baby.
    4. Completely nonexistent.
  6. How would you react if someone snatched your laptop right out of your hands?
    1. Shrug. It’s just an object, after all.
    2. SCREAM. My laptop is, like, my entire life!
    3. Run after the thief, kick their butt and then take it right back.
    4. Cry tears of joy now that I finally have an excuse to buy a new one.
    1. There’s a high probability of your laptop being stolen, but whether or not you care is the real question. You don’t believe in electronics and still view paper as your writing medium of choice. You’re an old soul and will probably be glad that that obsolescent piece of technology is off your hands, anyway.
    2. The probability of your laptop getting stolen in the coming weeks is certain. Your awareness of your surroundings is mediocre at best, and your strength to fight off a robber is entirely nonexistent. Your photos, memories and Instagram caption drafts will be gone forever, but, more importantly, so will your basic Redbubble stickers. But hey, you love to have the latest and greatest in technology, so at least you’ll (hopefully) be upgradin sometime soon.
    3. There’s no way in heck your computer is getting stolen anytime soon. You’re a force to be reckoned with and may even be a laptop thief yourself. Your strength is apparent and your senses are keen, so take a deep breath and head on down to study for your midterms at Moffitt with confidence. No one’s crossing you anytime soon.
    4. It’s undeniable that no one will come near you with an ancient laptop like that. Your laptop, if you can even call it that, was manufactured in the year you were born and still needs to be plugged into an Ethernet port to access the internet anyway. So, you can’t even complete your online work in public (unless you’re stuck in a circa-1997 public library). Stay calm, and maybe consider getting an upgrade. Or don’t, because then you’ll be a target. Stick with that dinosaur-era technology, friend.

Chloe Lelchuk is the assistant blog editor. Contact Chloe Lelchuk at [email protected].