Clog report: Nobody is talking about ‘Black Panther’

Disney / Marvel Studios/Courtesy
Disney / Marvel Studios / Courtesy

WAKANDA — Even with its 97 percent approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, “Black Panther” remains undiscussed. We at the Clog were shocked to find that literally nobody was talking about the comic book-turned-film. You’d think that a such an anticipated movie would warrant more buzz, but it’s been quiet — too quiet.

The Clog scoured the internet for tweets, news stories and even photos of movie ticket stubs for Marvel’s Feb. 16 release of “Black Panther,” to no avail. 

To find out why, the Clog approached Michael B. Jordan, who plays the film’s villain, to discuss the newest addition to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. He could barely muster a shrug. “I really thought showing off my abs in half of the movie would cause more buzz,” a dejected Jordan explained.

Chadwick Boseman, the film’s lead, agreed, mentioning, “I thought the ‘Wakanda Forever’ hashtag would have been more catchy. But rather than using #WakandaForever to talk about the movie, people have been using it to drunkenly tag pictures of their weekend instead.” Boseman let out an exasperated sigh.

The Clog approached the producers of “Black Panther,” but they did not provide a comment. And, with that, the film’s production team was a dead end.

The Clog took a more local approach. With some scenes taking place in local Oakland, California, one Clog investigator approached a UC Berkeley student on Sproul Plaza. After asking the student for their opinion on “Black Panther,” the supposed media studies major began discussing the animal before rushing off to class.

Unfortunately, the student’s insight on the high level of melanin that creates the animal’s fur color did little to help Clog investigators understand this tragedy — another dead end. So, the Clog looked elsewhere, namely UC Berkeley’s very own celebrity. With some suspicions that our favorite bear was the reason behind this catastrophe, the Clog approached Oski.

With a glimmer in his eye and that iconic smirk, Oski claimed, “To be honest, I originally didn’t want the movie to outshine me. I’ve built a legacy, you know? As a Libra, I need everyone to focus on how romantic and smart I am, not fixate on some movie. Luckily for me, I didn’t even have anything to worry about. Maybe if the movie were about me, I could have helped with publicity. Their mistake, I guess.”

The Clog is still working to solve this enigma. If you have any leads, please email them to [email protected] Until then, “Black Panther” will have to live in a somber silence.

Contact Evelyn Roth at [email protected].