Rebel Alliance slates 6 senate candidates for ASUC elections

Last night, the Rebel Alliance announced the six candidates it will be running for ASUC Senate in the upcoming election.

The Rebel Alliance was recently founded in the wake of the Empire coming to power.

“We’re here to represent everyone, from wookiee to jawa,” Rebel Alliance candidate Leia Organa said. “The Rebel Alliance was founded in response to the Empire’s misuse of public funds and damaging impact on students’ lives. We don’t believe that using public funds to build a massive planet-destroying space station is in the best interest of students here. We’re here to take a stand.”

The Rebel Alliance’s six candidates include Leia Organa, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Lando Calrissian, Chewbacca and droid R2-D2. They hope that by running such a diverse group of students, everyone in the galaxy can be represented and have their voices be heard.

“I can’t wait for this upcoming election,” said sophomore Leia Organa. “My home was destroyed by the Empire, so you could say I’ve never been more focused and dead-set on something in my life.”

Leia Organa plans on providing more resources for citizens of planets who have been destroyed by the Death Star, supporting female leaders on campus and providing support for victims of Jabba the Hutt’s cruelty. Luke Skywalker, also running with the Rebel Alliance, is equally as excited for the campaign trail as his sister, Leia.

“I’m Luke Skywalker, and I’m here to rescue you from the uncaring and financially irresponsible administration at this school!” reads his Facebook post. Luke is hoping to bring back the “force” of the students to campus through setting up talks with students and important members of the administration, advocating for more funding for student organizations and starting a program called the Jedi Academy to give motivated students a platform to express their views and keep the peace.

Han Solo, a campus junior, believes that if he wins the election, he’ll help students pay off their debts to the school and any galactic crime lords and get out of their bad situations by any means possible. He’s the first to admit he’s a bit of scoundrel and not your typical candidate, but that doesn’t bother him.

“Oh, I know. People are a little wary of the fact I never take off this vest, but I’m a man of the people. I never do anything unless it’s for money, and I’m definitely not going to get money out of this position. So you can trust me when I say that I actually care enough about this school to run for a position that won’t get me rich. And yes, I did shoot first,” he said with a wink. 

His good friend and another candidate, Lando Calrissian, a junior in the Haas School of Business, cuts a less rugged figure than Solo.

“I’m well dressed, and I’m here to impress,” Calrissian said. “I want to give the diverse voices in the galaxy a representative they can trust. I’ve already started my own business, so I’m ready to try my hand at some politics.”

Candidates Chewbacca and R2-D2 are both here to represent the wookiee and droid communities at the school. No wookiee or droid has ever run before, making both of their campaigns a historical milestone in the history of ASUC elections.

“Uhhhrrrr arghh unnhhhhhhh!” Chewbacca said earnestly. An avid environmentalist, Chewbacca wants to make sure that the habitats of wookiees and ewoks alike are protected from logging and imperial walkers trampling all over them.

“Bleep boop beep boop bloop beeeeeeeep,” said R2. “Boop beep bleep boop!”

R2-D2 is a well-spoken droid and has been serving the droid community since they rolled onto campus. R2 hopes to give a voice to droids everywhere by implementing droidspeak classes so that students will have the chance to speak with droids if they haven’t been able to already. They also want to put droid charging stations on campus, so that if any droid runs out of oil or gets kicked over by a human, they can refuel quickly and not miss class.

Voting for ASUC Galactic Elections will take place April 9-11.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Sunny Sichi at [email protected].