Understand the power that’s inside

Sex on Tuesday

I didn’t believe it at first when my partner said that my latex-free, Tang Center-provided LifeStyles condom wouldn’t fit him. I was wrong.

I wrestled with it for a while, straddling his legs and attempting to pin his massive endowment down long enough for me to stretch the condom over it — but to no avail.

When I finally gave in, he laughed a little when he saw what I’d been trying to get over him and pulled out a Magnum of his own for us to use.

At this point in my life, I’d entered the world of blowjobs, but his dick was so large that I kept choking on it (and not in the sexy fun way), so he suggested we take a few breaks. Even with those breaks, though, he was just too big for me to keep going long enough to finish him off. The strength of my gag reflex wasn’t enough to overcome the Machoke, it seemed.

I learned from this experience that you should always have a wide variety of condoms for all needs — whether that be for large penises or ones with allergies. There is no shame in needing to take breaks during sex or not being able to get your partner off every time.

Keep an open mind, too. It might not always seem like you’d need a Magnum as you’re working up to the erection in its fully evolved form but just because a penis doesn’t “show” as big doesn’t mean that it won’t “grow” to become larger than you could’ve ever imagined.

Since then, I’ve had more sexual partners and gained a lot of knowledge from them, but this experience reminds me of a valuable lesson: Not all dicks are the same. There are many different types of penises, there are many things you can do with them, and all of them are wonderful and fun.

Here are some of the other notable knockers I’ve seen in my hayday:

A wild foreskin appears!

Back in high school, I first learned how give handjobs to my then-boyfriend, who was intact (also known as uncircumcised — but intact is the sex-positive terminology in which no one is un-anything). One could say that an intact penis was my starter Pokemon, and I studied its secrets and knew of its extra sensitivity well.

From there, learning how to pleasure circumcised cocks proved to be a daunting task. Foreskin, frankly, makes giving handjobs easier than capturing a Caterpie. When it wasn’t there for me to just guide with my hand, I was at a bit of a loss with my first college hookup.

What I learned from my interactions with this particular penis was to keep an open mind about what a dick “should” look like and to be willing to learn how to best stimulate each person’s unique member.

Speaking of the expected appearance of these appendages, curved cocks are also more common than you might think. I’ve encountered several, both in person and digitally (although perhaps grainer than an augmented reality visual, these veritable Onixes stood out on my screen nonetheless). I’ve also discovered conversationally that many of my male friends think of their dicks as at least somewhat curved.

If you have one of these captivating curved cocks, it’s best to tell your partner about it in advance of sexy fun times to help them overcome the Onixpected. Otherwise, I’m going to be wondering if you realize that your dick is curved and then trying to figure out how I can please you. If you just tell me, “Hey, my dick is curved here and you should focus on stimulating it inside the curve,” then I’ll do that. Hooray! Look, see, you get off better now!

These curves can actually be incredibly useful when it’s your turn to please me, so don’t think of them as “weird” — those girthier parts of the shaft and curves along it might just make you even better in bed.

In short, if you have a curved dick, be upfront about what you’re working with, and I’ll do everything I can to work it the way you want it.

I’ve learned a lot from my forays into various dick departments, but the most important lesson of all is this: what makes for a Legendary Pokemon, and also a legendary penis, are not the explicit traits that define it. Rather, a dong receives this most honorable title in the minds of those who remember it well.

It’s really not about the details of the dick itself, but rather how you use it that matters and makes it the very best like no one ever was.

Rebecca Martin writes the Tuesday column on sex. Contact her at [email protected] and follow her on Twitter at @beccasexontues.