You might want to sit down for this. And make sure you have a tissue, or 10. After cheering on our Cal athletic teams for 76 years, Oski is retiring. He’s putting his gloves away and leaving UC Berkeley behind. It’s OK to cry. We at the Clog did.

To be completely candid, we’d be happy to see Oski go if he were a stupid tree. But Oski is a hero.

Our beloved Oski has worked tirelessly to bring smiles to each Golden Bear’s face, but this era now comes to a close. While there was a temporary scare last year about Oski retiring, it rapidly became evident that he wasn’t ready for retirement just yet. Oski’s tough decision to actually step down as our mascot marks a sad curtain call to the glorious golden age of UC Berkeley. Whether it was because of his DILF status or his passion for UC Berkeley, each student grew to love Oski.

When approached for comment, Oski explained, “It’s been a fun run, really. Everyone loves me so much, and it’s hard to leave that behind as I start this new chapter in my life. Blue and gold really complement my coloring too, so it’s safe to say I’ve cried a bit. But the Bahamas are calling. I’ve spent my retirement savings on a small beach villa and can’t wait to just relax on my beach hammock. Do you think SPF 30 will do?”

His rather unfazed demeanor hinted at his plans for all the new free time he would have. Oski stated, “I’ve always been passionate about graphic design, but being UC Berkeley’s mascot was such a time commitment. With no more responsibilities, I can’t wait to use Comic Sans without fear of judgment. Maybe I’ll even have time to close my eyes every once in a while.”

What does this mean for the future of UC Berkeley?

Chancellor Christ chimed in, “Oski was the only reason UC Berkeley has maintained the title of No. 1 public university. Losing him to retirement is a tragedy, but I’m hoping we can implement a new lumberjack mascot. What else is more fitting to chop down trees for another 76 years?”

While we’d prefer another tuition hike as opposed to adopting a lumberjack by the totally cliche name of Jackie, our new mascot seemed thrilled: “I can’t wait to cut down those trees, and burn some, too, if you know what I mean.”

One student on Sproul Plaza, after hearing of this change, became concerned about their UC Berkeley gear. “Does this mean I have to burn all of my Cal apparel with prominent bears on it? Setting that aflame will be brighter than my future,” the student cried.

We feel you, Golden Bear. (Or do we have to say “Golden Jack” now? Ugh). Even with Chancellor Christ’s devotion to our school’s future, we at the Clog know it just won’t be the same without our beloved Oski. “Go… Jacks” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.