A few tips and tricks for keeping your apartment cleaner

Beini Liu/Staff

There are a few things in this world that we can rely upon without a shadow of a doubt. The sun will rise in the east and set in the west, Crossroads will offer pizza at dinner, and the communal areas of our apartments will remain a mess — the last of these being the most consistent of them all. It seems that no matter how often we clean the living room and kitchen, the common spaces in our apartments manage to become dirty mere seconds after our careful cleaning. While this perpetual state of disarray may be discouraging, fear not. We at the Clog have a few helpful tips and tricks to keep things neat and tidy.

The most straightforward solution here is to live alone in a one-bedroom apartment. We’re by no means advocating for you to kill your roommates in your sleep. Rather, we’re kindly suggesting that you remove yourself and your neat-freak tendencies from the situation by living on your own. Unfortunately, the perpetual housing crisis of Berkeley makes being a billionaire a prerequisite to this option.

If you aren’t in possession of a trillion dollars to get yourself a single, we suggest you throw out all but one set of the dinnerware and utensils in the kitchen. This purge will help to prevent dirty dishes from piling up in the sink. The near-complete lack of dinnerware available will force your roommates to do their dishes immediately upon use. It will also ensure that nobody can eat a meal at the same time. You win some, you lose some.

Perhaps you have grown weary of the never-ending particulate matter and strands of hair that you must tread upon in your home. The vacuum has put up a fair fight thus far, but it’s high time drastic measures be taken. We highly recommend that everyone shave their head. The good news is that the means of this solution are open to a wide array of user discretion. This can be achieved with a lice epidemic or some sleepwalking incident. Other exciting options include the strategic application of Nair and botched dye jobs.

The single most infuriating market failure of cleaning has got to be the kitchen floor. This decades-old conundrum only has two possible solutions. First, you can invest in a Roomba. In the event that you don’t like a robot spy machine in your house, you can always fall back on the second option: Forbid the preparation and consumption of food in the kitchen altogether. While some may say this is a gross overcorrection, we at the Clog encourage them to eat our dust. There’s plenty of it in the living room.

Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].