What’s cooking behind Evans Hall?

Ciecie Chen/Staff

Whatever it is, it sure smells like something that would more likely belong at UC Davis. After some hard-hitting investigative journalism, we found out that a new Evans Hall is going to be built by 2020, and the construction going on behind the building is part of  UC Berkeley’s 2020 long-range development plan. Yet we at the Clog would still like to share our predictions as to what we think is actually in store for the reeking patch of land, something that gives us another reason to complain about Evans being the worst building on campus.

A lady friend for lonely Evans

Evans Hall has been subject to some pretty cruel criticism for both its architecture and outdated contents (**cough** **cough** creaky elevators). So, it only makes sense to give Evans some company to help him tune out the haters. This new building will, like Evans, likely be home to some math geniuses, but now with less of a spooky vibe. Once Yvonne Hall is built, everyone will love math and all will be well in the universe once more.

A building entirely devoted to napping

Sure, Moffitt Library has napping pods, but have you seen the zombies walking around Northside? Next fall, expect all of your engineering buddies to be a little more perky. This new building will be three stories of straight-up the most comfortable beds that have ever been created. Open 24/7, you literally could wake up from your bed at home and go back to sleep on campus. There can’t possibly be an excuse for getting no sleep after this. For an added bonus, access to the building comes with tuition!

Possible data science department building

Once the data science major becomes a reality, we must ask ourselves where the department will be located. Cory and Soda halls already have to keep up with the EECS kids, so it makes perfect sense to introduce a new and improved facility to become the future home of the data science geeks of campus. Equipped with sophisticated sensors, every form of technology in this building will store data sets that need to be analyzed by someone.

A freshman dorm

There is no doubt that both on-campus and off-campus housing has been an issue as of late. So, what better way to remedy the pressure on students by planting housing with a perfect view of Memorial Glade? If those views aren’t satisfactory, on the other side sits the Campanile in all its prowess. But let’s not forget the greatest view on all of campus: toiling graduate students endlessly grading those lower-division math midterms in Evans Hall.

Qualcomm Cafe 2.0

Still feeling blue after realizing that you’ll never be able to savor the delicious wraps provided by Qualcomm? Fret no longer. A fresh take on a previous fan favorite is now underway in its creation! This cafe will not only serve the same wraps you’ve dearly missed, but will also house an indoor water park, a mini mall, an hourly Oski stand-up show and much more. Yali’s better watch out!

Though it has barely started, we’re all looking forward to the end of construction of whatever this building will be. One thing is for sure, though — it better be baby falcon friendly.

Contact Malvika Singhal at [email protected].