ASUC elections: Rebel Alliance has successful run; Empire left in pieces

In this third installment of the exciting race between the Rebel Alliance and the Galactic Empire for the coveted seats in the ASUC Senate, all the candidates running with the Rebel Alliance won every seat they ran for. Every Empire candidate running for Senate lost, and subsequently, the party lost any credibility it had.

In a shocking sweep, candidates Leia Organa, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Lando Calrissian, Chewbacca and R2-D2 emerged victorious at tabulations night. Celebratory lightsabers of all colors except Sith red were seen waving in the air as the party’s self-proclaimed theme song, “Star Wars (Main Title)” by John Williams, blasted from Solo’s speakers. “Thank goodness they won over the Empire,” a student at tabulations said. “I hate ASUC election season, but I hate the Empire even more. Like, creating the Death Star? Horrible. I knew a guy who went into their Stormtrooper program and never came back. Sucks too, he was my CS partner.”

Stories like this were common during the last week of election season. A student movement started to encourage victims of the Empire to come forward with their stories. Hundreds shared their testimonies of the Galactic Empire’s abuse of power over the years. Students from Alderaan came forward about losing their home planet to the Death Star, while others talked about permanent damage they received from Darth Vader’s force chokes when they dared to contradict his policies.

“There’s no room in the galaxy for a tyrannical rule like this. It’s student government! Like, put it on your resume and chill out! I miss the days when we voted senators in and never heard about them ever again. I’m not even a droid, but I personally voted for R2-D2 because I’d much rather see more happy droids than more trigger-happy clones marching around to suppress every protest,” one senior said.

Before voting started, Rebel Alliance candidates prepped their X-wings to take down the Empire and their massive Death Star — a sign of their power over the school and its budget. After hours of waiting, students cheered and stormed the campus in joy as they saw the giant planet destroyer explode overhead late Wednesday night. If anything, this moment ensured their big win.

“All those nights playing video games really paid off, I guess,” Rebel candidate and Senator-elect Skywalker said after his victory over the Empire. “Yet I wouldn’t have been able to take down the Death Star without my fellow candidates. R2 was by my side the entire time, Han kept me humble, and Leia is my biggest supporter. We’re going to do some big things next year — just you wait!”

“Araghhhh uhhh unnnhhhh!” Chewbacca cried. Best friend and fellow Senator-elect Solo was equally excited.

“We stuck it where it hurts most,” Solo said. “They thought they had us frozen in fear at the force of their power, but no way. No one’s freezing this senator.”

Organa views their victory with optimism.

“If there’s one thing we’ve never lost, it’s hope. I know that the Rebel Alliance is giving hope to students who feel marginalized or actually harmed by past actions of the Empire party,” Organa said. “There’s a lot of work to do, but it’s time for the dark side to end and the light to be put back into fiat lux.”  

So may the force be with you, Bears, and happy 365 days until next ASUC election season!  

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Sunny Sichi at [email protected].