Clog report: Dead week canceled because of budget cuts implemented by new ASUC administration

Joshua Jordan/File

The recent ASUC elections marked a turning point for life on UC Berkeley’s campus. After struggling to repair UC Berkeley’s debt, our new ASUC senators came to a 19-1 vote to implement budget cuts. Only Furry Boi voted against the budget cuts but would not offer comment at this time.

In a tragic turn, the budget cuts eliminated dead week altogether. Taking after the title of Lemony Snicket’s “A Series of Unfortunate Events,” the removal of dead week truly is a series of unfortunate events.

Inarguably, the best thing about classes at UC Berkeley is when we don’t have them. Most noticeably, that came in the form of dead week. Dead week meant getting five extra days before finals just for studying/looking at memes with our textbooks open. Yet unfortunately, dead week is dead.

One ASUC senator explained: “We really didn’t want to get rid of dead week, but we ran out of options. It was either this or getting rid of Oski, so we knew we made the right choice in the end.”

Chancellor Carol Christ also offered comment: “Students continued to call it dead week even after we attempted to change its name to RRR Week — Reading, Review and Recitation Week. This was bad for UC Berkeley’s reputation, promoting negative stigmas. The demand for budget cuts made this the perfect opportunity to help recover morale.”

Regardless of the reasoning, a deep anger boils in each and every Golden Bear. While it means summer will get here sooner, our finals are approaching even faster.

A concerned student in the Martin Luther King Jr. Student Union expressed their frustration: “I know we all voted for the new ASUC senators, but I can’t help but feel that this was too drastic a measure. There must have surely been another way they could’ve cut the budget. Maybe we can turn this into the next big protest in 2018.”

Regardless, this reality leaves every UC Berkeley student without sufficient time to study. No more dead week means finals immediately follow the last week of classes. Dead week is the hero we needed but didn’t deserve, and the new ASUC administration knew that. So, dead week, we’re sorry we took you for granted. Please come back. We miss you.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Evelyn Roth at [email protected].