The moment I figured out how to say Timothée Chalamet’s name, I was a free woman. In my head, I was like, “Is this that spiritual awakening everyone’s been telling me about?” and, “Will he love me more if I say it with my exaggerated French-1-trained accent?”
Unfortunately, I haven’t had the chance to practice my French accent on him in real life. But that could easily be solved if he came here to UC Berkeley. We here at the Clog think that it would just be so nice if America’s sweetheart enrolled at this university. You know, take a little break from the fame of “Call Me By Your Name” and hang out in the East Bay for a bit. We have a million reasons we want him to come and hang out with us, but we’ve reined ourselves in and kept the list short.
Twenty-two-year-old Timothée has been taking the world and our hearts by storm the past year with his quick rise to fame and soft smile. But what a lot of people don’t know is that he actually went to Columbia University and NYU for a bit! From what we remember from our college application days, those schools aren’t easy to get into. Not to mention, he actually learned Italian for “Call Me By Your Name.” He’s a man of intelligence, talent and sensitivity, so obviously he belongs right here at UC Berkeley.
He dresses like he’s a philosophy major
There’s this weird trope here where a lot of guys in a social science, humanities or College of Natural Resources major dress like they’re a walking thrift store. The “soft boi” look has swept the campus, with the mustard-yellow beanies, tucked in T-shirts and a brown, worn corduroy jacket over it. Timothée either dresses like that or he dresses like he’s in AFX. Honestly, if you’ve seen a candid picture of Timothée, you were probably like, “Wait, I think I’ve seen this guy on campus.” Granted, his budget is probably a lot higher than your average college student’s, and he probably has a stylist, but the fact of the matter is that he looks like he just walked out of Crossroads Trading Co. or Urban Outfitters. If he came here, he could shop at those places to his heart’s content!
His “Lady Bird” character is the epitome of UC Berkeley
For anyone who’s seen “Lady Bird,” you’ll know what I mean. He played Kyle, the cool, uninterested and conspiracy-theory-loving boy whom Lady Bird more or less fell for. From his iconic “That’s hella tight” line to the bit about how he doesn’t like money so he lives off of bartering is just so quintessentially Berkeley that it hurts. We’re sure that if he was a good student, his character probably ended up here and thrived.
He’d be the GSI of our dreams
He’s 22, so he’d probably be graduating this year. But have no fear, undergrads, because we have an excellent graduate program for just about everything! Just imagine walking into discussion to see his lovely face every week. Seriously, we at the Clog are dying for him to grade our papers. We wouldn’t even mind if he gave us a bad grade, because if Timothée hates our essay, then we hate our essay too.
He can tutor us in French
Seriously. Timothée is totally fluent in French and sounds wonderful when he speaks it. Our schedules are super busy, and we haven’t had room to fit in another five-unit French class. If he came here, he could tutor us in our spare moments! Just imagine —the entire campus could be speaking French by the end of his term here.
We want to be his friend
We’re sure that we’re not the only ones who share this sentiment. He seems like a super chill and talented guy who’d be totally down to just sit on Memorial Glade and debate with you about the meaning of life. Not only is he a rising star, but he also seems like a genuinely fun and great guy! He’d be a great addition to the campus and to all of our friend groups.
So, Timothée, we implore you to bring your tousled hair, effortlessly adorable smile, unique style and thoughtful eyes to UC Berkeley. There’s lots to see, and who knows? Maybe you’ll get inspired for your next big movie project. We want to say that you’re welcome to come visit at any time! Not only would you be the hottest guy on campus by far (thank you, Berkeley goggles), but we believe you could really succeed at the No. 1 public university in the world. You deserve the best, after all.
Contact Sunny Sichi at [email protected].