The Daily Californian newspaper stalls were seen to be tagged with SUPERB stickers on campus earlier this week. Reports show that it started with one single sticker at the Daily Californian stalls on Sproul, and then escalated to almost every Daily Californian banner being defaced by a black sticker.
“I was just trying to grab a newspaper because, y’know, print journalism isn’t dead … but someone in a black windbreaker just ambushed me! They kept asking me if I wanted to go see a free movie with them — like no! I just want to read! It’s like they just sit and wait for me,” a stressed student shared with the Clog.
Clog reporters decided to test this theory and stayed close to observe. As a brave first-year student, Dough Lybrarie, advanced toward the Daily Californian stalls, she was approached by not one, but two figures in black windbreakers. The student dodged questions such as “Do you like trivia?”, “How big of a fan of ‘The Office’ are you?” and “Have you been to Pappy’s?” The Clog crew witnessed as the student pivoted to barely make it out alive. Attached to her body was an abundance of SUPERB stickers.
“It took me hours of pain to finally get all of those things off of me! I even found a sticker in my sock! How did they do that? I was just trying to catch up with city and campus news, and now I’m scared to go near campus ever again,” Lybrarie shared with our reporters.
To figure out why the Daily Californian stalls were targeted, our Clog reporters went to the Haas School of Business to ask real professionals.
“Uh, listen — it’s easy! You just stick them there because the Daily Californian stalls get traffic. People are always trying to be hip and trendy and read an actual newspaper. It’s the simple structure of a market!” said Snayki Snaik, a fourth-year business major.
An anonymous source told the Clog, “Yeah, they chose the Daily Californian stalls because they know people go to them a lot. They just needed some good exposure!”
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.