As we approach dead week, it should come as no surprise that most of the stress on campus has been concentrated in Moffitt. However, it may be a little shocking that one of the most stressful events did not just happen anywhere in Moffitt, but rather, it took place in the heart of the Moffitt restroom.
In between an intense study session and his Math 55 quiz, student Robert Janiels stopped at the restroom only to be hit with a hard slap in the face — despite countless attempts and fruitless hand-flinging, he could not turn on the bathroom sink.
While it may seem as if there might be an easy fix, it was too late for Janiels, who had already soaked his hands in soap. There was no getting out of this sticky situation.
“I tried waving my hands in front of the sensors for what seemed like hours,” explained Janiels. “I looked like a crazy person. When I realized it was hopeless, I jetted out of there as soon as I could. It was uncomfortable.”
The student proceeded to exit the building and pace the campus with an apparent pang of panic on his face. Some onlookers wondered if it was, in fact, soap on Janiels’ hands, while many reasoned it looked more like the tears of a student who just walked out of Evans. To most, the second seemed more likely.
Many students were perplexed when they discovered the true cause for his concern. It was clear to Janiels, however, that these people did not understand the gravity of the situation.
For others, the humiliation resonated well.
“You hear about people trying to flush the toilets for 10 minutes,” one passerby explained. “But the sinks? This was a new level of embarrassment.”
The student attempted to call a friend multiple times for rescue, but he could not carry out the call, as his phone kept slipping out of his bubbly hands.
“I just remember feeling more and more anxious,” stated Janiels. “I didn’t know how I was gonna get out of this one. Had it been that there wasn’t soap, I could’ve easily blamed it on our poor public school funding. But this? There was no easy explanation.”
The student was supposedly seen later heading to office hours — a bold move for someone who just barely crawled out of this unfortunate incident. When the professor reached his hand out to shake Janiels’, a fellow student reported seeing sweat rolling down his hardened face. Janiels supposedly played it off with a subtle elbow touch instead.
“Smooth,” the student says he remembered thinking.
While this is a story about one particular student, Janiels’ troubles are representative of the challenges experienced by the student body as a whole.
“If there’s one lesson to be learned from this,” remarked Janiels, “it’s either to be yourself no matter who might be judging you, or to avoid the Moffitt bathrooms.”
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
Contact Shaked Salem at [email protected].