Normally a confident freshman, Jonah Sproul was found looking extremely distressed in his floor’s lounge this morning by his roommate. They reported that he was pacing and wringing his hands, muttering something about how “maybe he’s not God’s gift to this campus after all.”
“I’ll admit, Jonah can be a bit of an arrogant douchebag. This guy was still riding off the 5 he got on his AP Calculus exam. And ever since he joined that consulting club it’s just gotten worse. I’m so used to him talking down to us that it was weird seeing him in such a nervous state,” said his roommate, Jacobi Smith.
Apparently, Smith had to put up with an entire year of Sproul bragging about how many girls he hooked up with, how he’s pretty much guaranteed to get an internship with Google this summer and how being pre-Haas and pre-med isn’t even hard.
“This school is filled with a lot of arrogant people, but none worse than Jonah. If you aren’t worth his time, he’ll just call one of his friends in his professional pre-med frat so he doesn’t have to look at you anymore. I don’t think he’s made eye contact with me since the first day we met,” said Sproul’s floormate Katarina Browne.
No one can seem to understand why Sproul thinks he’s better than everyone else. They admit that while he consults and is a member of a professional frat, he isn’t that great. Being decent people, they hope to figure out why he started spiraling this morning.
“It just hit me that I might fail all of my finals,” Sproul said. “I don’t even know if I can get into Haas next year either! It just hit me that no matter how great I am, this school doesn’t care! I could be the smartest human on earth and UC Berkeley would still find a way to make me fail! Everything is futile! Now I understand why my roommates are always crying about failing midterms and not getting into clubs!”
When asked about crying, his roommate Smith disagreed profusely.
“I don’t cry. Did he say that? I don’t cry — ever. And I definitely don’t have a stuffed bear named Mr. Snuggles. Did Jonah mention that too? No? Oh shoot,” reports Smith.
His floormates are hopeful for a less toxic floor environment now that Sproul has been taken down a few notches by the stresses of UC Berkeley. Sproul is sorry that he was such a douchebag for the entire year.
“I don’t know why I thought I was better than everyone else. In reality, we’re all just a bunch of lame freshmen suffering together. For the last week of school, I’m going to try and mend my relationships with them,” Sproul said in a closing statement to the Clog.
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.