Boy bands, whether you like them or not, have been influencing music for ages. Like fraternities, you either love them or hate them. The Clog imagines a perfect world where every fraternity, rather than having some weird Greek letter combination as its name, has a boy band theme. Quite honestly, we like boy band music better than anything we’ve ever heard played at a frat party — especially that one song by the Chainsmokers. Just imagine how sick it would be to get down to “Burnin’ Up” at a foam party or “What Makes You Beautiful” at an invite? So after a lot of deep thinking about fraternities and boy bands, we’re giving our readers another thing they never asked for. Enjoy!
The Jonas Brothers
Their frat would be all about brotherhood. You can catch them always having some sort of philanthropy event on the glade or playing beer pong while flexing in some bro tanks. They’re your basic fraternity, but they actually play some really good music, and the guys are walking definitions of the boy next door.
5 Seconds of Summer
This fraternity, like the band, had a few bad years when it had some low recruitment and stopped throwing parties. Being caught with drugs caused the suspension of the frat for a few years. However, the members have cleaned up their act and are coming back strong (and drug-free). The frat is pretty trashed and needs a new paint job, but it shows promise.
Think bro-op rather than your basic fraternity. Like the bros of BROCKHAMPTON, this frat wouldn’t be mainstream — many people may not have even heard of it. They’re all pretty artsy guys and pride themselves on being a lot more inclusive than any other frat. They throw a bunch of chill kickbacks and play live music, but don’t let that fool you! They also throw some wild ragers full of mosh pits and fun. It’s always a good time with the BROCKHAMPTON boys.
As one of the older frats on campus, it has a pretty strong legacy and alumni network. The members usually only recruit legacies who can be traced back to the stone age of 1995. They’re a little past their glory days but are still considered a top frat because of their most successful alumnus, Justin Timberlake. They’re qwhite cookie-cutter but have made a recent commitment to be more diverse. It’s a spot to hit up when you’re bored on a Saturday night.
Of course, we saved the best fraternity for last. One Direction recruits the most people and throws the biggest parties. This frat is noncontroversial and provides water stations at all its functions. They even turned the consent talk into a song — making sure to play it every 30 minutes to remind partygoers what consent is. Getting bids for this house is harder than normal but worth the hassle. People arrive at this house before 11 p.m. because of how early it reaches capacity.
While we’re on the subject of boy bands, check out our boy band playlist to get in the mood. Next time you want to dance rather than go to a frat party, stay in and throw yourself a boy band party! It’s probably a way better time than a sweaty, beer-stained frat that constantly plays “Closer” anyway.
Contact Sunny Sichi at [email protected].