Universe confirms you just missed your perfect other half

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JULY 01, 2018

The universe confirmed yesterday that you missed your meeting with your perfect other half sometime last week because of a misfiling of paperwork.

“You two would have been so perfect together — if only you had the chance to meet,” said lead administrator Donna Michelson. “But you both ended up walking right on by.”

Sources say that this should have been a pivotal point in both of your lives, regardless of your current respective relationship statuses, which couldn’t even be distinguished anyway because of a few unfortunate coffee stains.

“OK, honestly a lot of our paperwork is like that,” Michelson said when asked about such claims. “That’s fate for you!”

The universe revealed that your perfect other half’s “Interactions” folder for the day was actually lost completely, leading to a few extremely confusing hours for your fated significant other.

“We’re not sure exactly what day this meeting was supposed to happen,” confided assistant manager Leo Fuu. “I blame the interns.”

Interns at the Administrative Center of the Universe are typically given less important tasks, such as romance, weather and politics, and have evidently had “far too much fun” with those nominal responsibilities in the past few years, according to Michelson.

“Just be glad that gravity still works,” she said, before whispering to an aide, “It does still work, right?”

That remains unconfirmed.

“Berkeley students should be used to this sort of thing,” continued Michelson. “Like, complete and utter administrative incompetence — or maybe just disappointment. Either way.”

The universe claims that you are lucky to even have gotten this piece of news given the backlog of work that the administration is still working through.

“It’s a miracle we even noticed that this was missed in the first place,” shrugged Fuu. “Though I guess we’re supposed to be the ones who manufacture ‘miracles.’ What on earth do we call this, then?”

At press time, experts concluded that you and your perfect other half had been fated to live happily ever after, but this administrative error and expected later delays have put that future on hold indefinitely.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at 


JULY 02, 2018