Ahhh, the “Men Tell All” special, when eliminated contestants come together after watching the season at home and bicker with each other for those precious extra minutes of screen time. It used to be the last time you would see some of these beloved soon-to-be social media influencers before the producers decided to create an entire show for all the rejected contestants to mingle on. Sometimes it feels like the entire season of “The Bachelorette” is just back story for this special, and we’re not complaining.
If y’all think that I’m going to waste 2 hours of my life watching grown ass men embarrass themselves on national television then you are absolutely right #MenTellAll
— Garner Stapp (@garnerstapp) July 31, 2018
A wild Chris Harrison appears in his natural habitat — the live viewing stage — to host the event, while Becca’s eliminated men sit in chairs ready to argue about drama that happened months ago. Chris Harrison teases the upcoming “Bachelor in Paradise” season during the first five minutes and already has been on screen more in this episode than he has been in the entire season combined. The highlight of the promo is Ben Higgins, on his knees, screaming up to the sky, “I am unlovable,” in a mariachi costume with no context whatsoever.
Chris Harrison then goes on to introduce the men. No one mentions the fact that Lincoln Adim, who was convicted of indecent assault in May, was not invited, and ABC casually pretends that it did proper background checks on every contestant before casting.
The contestants dive right into the drama with petty potshots and rehashed histrionics. Colton jumps into every conversation Chris Harrison has with the contestants, calling out Jean Blanc for pretending to be falling for Becca and Jordan for being Jordan. But a lot of his arguments are lost after he says “disingenuine” while fully thinking he’s saying “disingenuous.”
A lot of the guys pile on the Jordan hate train and call him out for not taking the process seriously. Are they all forgetting that Becca gave him the golden underwear to begin with? She seemed to be too into Jason’s kissing and Colton’s face to be upset that the male model was walking around naked during a cocktail party.
Two contestants who were eliminated the first night — yet, for some reason, still think they can have beef with Jordan — add to the potshots. One, who apparently is also a Wilhelmina model, tries to start a dick-measuring contest by implying Jordan is a small-time model in Florida, while this unmemorable is a model in New York. Just saying, one was eliminated the first night while the other became a “Bachelor” franchise treasure. And both are not going to be the next Sean O’Pry, so everyone should calm down.
Before going into the hot seat, Jordan recreates the famous “Half Baked” scene. As he looks around at all the contestants, he tells each one who hated on him, “F— you,” tells Nick and Connor, “You’re cool,” and drops the mic with, “Grocery Store Joe, what’s up?” — recognizing America’s thirst for the most memorable unknown contestant.
“F*ck you. Nick and Connor you’re cool. Grocery Store Joe, what’s up?”
— Kat 🐾 (@Kat_Dunlop_) July 31, 2018
In the hot seat with Chris Harrison, Jordan talks about being confident in who he is and delivers one more memorable Jordanism by comparing himself to a Rolls-Royce. Oh, Jordan — his presence has been missed on the show these past weeks. Even Trader Joe gives him a stamp of approval, saying he “likes the guy” when Chris Harrison asks him to share his thoughts on the resident male model. How can you not? The guy wore the infamous golden underwear to the episode, giving the audience a quick peek of it, to which Chris Harrison says, “Even I don’t get paid enough for that.”
Trader Joe’s blink-and-you-miss-it stint on the show left such a memorable impression that Chris Harrison invites him to the hot seat. The producers show they have a sense of humor by giving a recap of his time on the show, which consists of Joe walking into the mansion and then walking out after being eliminated. Trader Joe is not smooth when answering Chris Harrison’s questions, which makes him even more endearing to the rest of America.
— Emily Schwartz (@emilycschwartz) July 31, 2018
Wills is next up in the hot seat, which is half about his relationship with Becca and half about his stellar fashion choices. We really don’t know much about Wills besides that he’s a nerd and can pull off floral shirts, but this shimmy alone is enough for him to remain a fan favorite.
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) July 31, 2018
Up next is Colton, who tries to downplay his relationship with Tia before the show by saying it wasn’t even a relationship. Sure, Colton, sure. He gets emotional about the flack he’s gotten for being a virgin, which probably would have been much less if ABC hadn’t made it his entire storyline during the show, and the producers will probably continue to do so during “Bachelor in Paradise.”
Pomade enthusiast Jason comes up to talk to Chris Harrison about his heartbreak. He has a brief moment mentioning the LGBTQ+ community and how he is inspired by his gay brother’s marriage. He talks about how it “doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, lesbian or transgender” when it comes to love. But of course, before the franchise can have a real moment, Chris Harrison just has to ask about Jason’s secret to good kissing.
Becca comes out to face her rejects. Jason, being the class act he is, asks Becca what went wrong and what he can do to fix it in future relationships.
Garrett: my ex is the reason our marriage ended
Jason: what is something I could do better?
— Hannah (@hannahsajban) July 31, 2018
Colton tells her he respects her for how she handled his virginity reveal. Wills says Becca “healed (him) in a way (he) didn’t think was possible.” Jean Blanc comes to Becca on the couch and tries to clear up his infamous exit by giving her a perfume from his new collection. Yeah, one of these things is not like the other.
Chris apologizes for being a jerkface douchebag and brings out the gospel choir from his limo entrance to sing about how he was a jerk. Maybe he was inspired to write it after being forced to learn about songwriting during multiple dates.
Finally, Chris Harrison rolls the blooper reel, what everyone really tuned in to see. The most memorable clip is Chris Harrison talking to a young girl during the debate date in Richmond, in which he points to the contestants and says: “This is actually what happens when you drop out of school. Stay in school. The world is not flat.” It leaves us all wondering: Does Chris Harrison not only have a personality, but a sense of humor?
Contact Julie Lim at [email protected].