Campus security warns students to stay away from squirrels

Grace Beaudoin/Courtesy

August has arrived at UC Berkeley, and students have begun to notice the telltale signs that school is getting ready to begin again.

“It’s the squirrels,” said junior math major Al Gebrah. “You know that fall is just around the corner when the squirrels start crawling out of their hideouts and start their annual swarm.”

Clog reporters took notice quickly to the vast number of squirrels cluttering campus. When walking along the path between Wurster and Kroeber halls, students find themselves almost stumbling over squirrels crawling across campus, reaching for the sun’s light and possibly the Nutri-Grain bars they have in their backpacks.

“You want to avoid Strawberry Creek,” said Colie Nat Reswartzes, a recently declared environmental sciences major. “Really, you want to avoid anywhere there are trees. Stick to cement.”

What with the influx of freshmen and touring groups on campus, many at UC Berkeley remain unaware and uninformed about the squirrel issue. “Educating students about squirrel safety is key,” Reswartzes said.

It’s reported that if you give a squirrel a peanut, they’ll bring you deeper into the woods. Campus security advises students against interacting with the squirrels.

“The squirrels bring you into the woods to meet Oski,” survivor Ang Tead revealed. “Oski just skips around you, and suddenly, your happiness is gone.”

“The students are bound to lose their happiness. They go to UC Berkeley — what would they expect?” campus security member Dain Lian told our reporters.

With last year’s record-breaking number of visits to the Tang Center, school administration has released in an email that it will be enforcing more barriers between the students, squirrels and Oski.

At press time, Chancellor Carol Christ confirmed that with football season coming up, security will be making sure that Oski stays 5 feet away from all people at all times.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Lauren West is the assistant blog editor. Contact Lauren West at [email protected].