Chaos erupts as student body readjusts to Berkeley time

Maya Kandell/File

There has been pandemonium all over the city of Berkeley as the majority of students begin to return for the upcoming fall semester. With the streets suddenly filled, housing becoming crowded again and everyone dreading when tabling on Sproul will begin again, student panic is already at a high.

Most of all, schedules are being thrown completely off as returning students try to readjust to Berkeley time.

“You would think that because it’s only 10 minutes, it wouldn’t be that big a deal,” said Walder Burr, a leading psychologist in the study of time perception. “But that readjustment to Berkeley time is similar to jet lag, though of course on a much smaller scale.”

Plans have gone awry as people have begun arriving at events on time.

“I was just a little overwhelmed,” said one student, who had hosted a party earlier this week. “Usually I expect everyone to show up at least an hour later so I can set up and do last-minute things. Instead, everyone arrived at the exact same time.”

Burr admitted that this chaos may be due to students being a little bit on the dumb side and blowing the problems way out of proportion.

A snake, who preferred to remain anonymous, argued that it was “good preparation for the real world,” claiming that Berkeley time “doesn’t exist in the workplace.”

“You would be surprised,” said Burr, who had been half an hour late to this interview but had assured us that his tardiness was the norm across, well, everything.

Reports say that a significant portion of students have been overcompensating and end up arriving significantly later than the standard 10 minutes, much to the frustration of friends they were trying to meet up with.

Sources have even suggested that some students had such abnormal schedules during summer as to completely lose their concepts of time.

“To be totally honest, I haven’t looked at the time all break,” said one student. “I’m still just roughly judging everything by the angle of the sun.”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected] .