Game of Thorns: Week 3 of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ parodies the CW with way too many forced love triangles


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If you’re ever feeling bad about yourself, remember that there is a 30-year-old man on “Bachelor in Paradise” who calls himself Goose, wears a “Karate Kid” headband and is under the impression that he’s pulling it off.

Since, as of late, no episode can end on a rose ceremony anymore, we pick up where we left off last week with Tia confronting Chris about kissing Krystal after he told Tia that he was looking forward to exploring their relationship. Chris genuinely doesn’t understand where he’s in the wrong and pulls his classic move of getting really defensive and not taking any responsibility for his actions. After Tia decides she is done dealing with a love triangle she never wanted to be a part of, Krystal also begins to question her relationship with Chris and hits up everyone for advice.

Jacqueline comes in and asks Colton out on a date after Kendall and Jenna assure her that he’s single. Colton turns down the date card, getting Tia all excited. Tia decides that she likes Colton again for the umpteenth time, after his very romantic gesture of turning down a date. Even after they talk, Colton admits he’s still confused about them.

Jacqueline wastes no time asking Kenny out, who happily accepts even after getting cuddly with Annaliese. The two have dinner and bond over being passionate about their heritages. Jacqueline leaves the date happy despite walking into “complete chaos” –– a good alternate title for the show.

As soon as Kenny gets back, Annaliese pulls him away for a special treat, which turns out to be very melted ice cream. Kenny, being the gentleman that he is, pretends not to notice, and they kiss. Meanwhile, John continues to be a hot commodity as Caroline and Jubilee make out with him.

Krystal realizes that “something inside feels so compelled” toward Chris (re: her survival instincts for a rose), and the two make up.

Tia, surprising no one, remains hung up on Colton, as she has been for the past six months. After Bibiana knocks some sense into him, telling him that there is a hot girl who is way into him and that he should not be wasting that, Colton tells Tia that he wants to go forward and pursue a relationship. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief that the Tia and Colton saga is over.

At the cocktail party, Chris Harrison makes his two-minute appearance to explain how the rose ceremony works. All the solid couples stay solid while the other girls hastily make last minute attempts to secure roses from the guys.

Jordan, with the confidence of Kanye West after a Twitter rampage, wears a red floral jumpsuit and gives Jenna a pole dance. David, realizing that someone needs to bring tension back into the show, gives Jenna a giant stuffed dog as a birthday present, which Jordan does not take well. While David and Jenna are talking, Jordan barges in and throws the stuffed animal into the ocean without saying a word.

Later, when irked by Chelsea and Jubilee, Jordan tells them to “shut the **** up,” which everyone takes as a huge assault against womankind. So many people go up to Jordan and tell him that he can’t disrespect women that way, that he apologizes to them in front of everyone.

Finally, Chris Harrison enters again to begin the rose ceremony. Jordan gives his rose to Jenna, David to Chelsea, Kevin to Astrid, Chris to Krystal, John to Jubilee, Joe to Kendall, Colton to Tia, Eric to Angela and Kenny to Annaliese. Jacqueline, Bibiana, Nysha and Caroline leave empty-handed but silently grateful that they don’t have to hear Chris call himself “Goose” anymore.

The next morning, Krystal is ready for some “fresh men,” now that she holds the rose. Meanwhile, Kendall and Joe continue to be adorable together. Of course, this being Paradise, just as Joe admits to the camera that he is falling in love with her, Leo comes in to bring the drama. Every girl seems to be digging Leo’s long hair –– calling him “Fabio,” a “Greek God” and a “horse man.” While the guys are threatened, Jordan compares Paradise to a big laundromat where everyone’s dirty laundry is airing.

Leo ends up asking Kendall on his date, and everyone feels for Joe. Joe, being the class act he is, doesn’t get mad or yell at Kendall and just semijokingly wishes that Leo and Kendall have a bad time on their date. The date turns out to be a photoshoot for a romance novel written by no other than “Bachelor in Paradise’s” old bartender Jorge. While Jorge explains the plot of the story, Arie Luyendyk Jr., Lauren Burnham, Amanda Stanton and Ben Higgins fly all the way to Paradise to reenact it with a love triangle and some campy acting reminiscent of “Riverdale.”

In her interview, Kendall admits to being very compatible with Leo, which is evidenced by their steamy photoshoot that leads to them making out in various positions. Back at the resort, Joe is worried about not telling Kendall “I like you,” which is the Chicago translation of “I am falling for you.”

When Kendall comes back from the date, she tells Joe that she is curious about exploring her connection with Leo. Joe is upset but still wants to keep their relationship going. Joe and Jordan develop a lovely bromance while bonding over Joe’s misery from Kendall and Leo making out.

While Kendall cries over being torn between the two, Leo canoodles with Chelsea in the hot tub, or as Jordan puts it, he is “tasting all her porridge.” No one seems to have anything terrible to say about Joe. Even Eric’s rare screen time is dedicated to telling the cameras that he would be hurt by Joe leaving.

We officially know more about Eric’s relationship with Joe than we do about his actual relationship with Angela.

Colton gets another date card, since the producers want to squeeze the last bits of drama from the Colton and Tia storyline. The two walk around Plaza De Armes where they’re surprised by successful “Bachelor in Paradise” couple Adam and Raven — one of Tia’s closest friends. After the couples participate in a game of dancing musical chairs, Raven and Tia have a heart-to-heart.

Raven, reiterating what everybody else in Paradise has been saying, worries about Colton’s intentions and the fact that he’s still not committed. Tia takes that as “you should force Colton into asking you to be his girlfriend,” which she promptly does, throwing away any real advice.

Montreal native Benoit comes in, making all the girls’ hearts flutter with his French accent. After flirting with Krystal and Jenna, he asks Jenna out on the date, which Jordan is not happy about. On their date, they talk about their past (or in Jenna’s case, her current) relationships and eat a Mexican churro in the style of “Lady and the Tramp.”

After they come back, Jordan takes Jenna on the beach and writes “Sorry” in the sand to really show how sorry he is for his behavior the night before. Jenna becomes the second blonde who is distraught over who to pick.

At this point, there are enough love triangles in the show to make a geometry teacher confused. But let’s face it, we’re all still going to tune in next week to see Leo blow up and Benoit kiss another blonde.

Contact Julie Lim at [email protected].