Clog report: UC Berkeley freshman gets mistaken for elementary schooler

Nishali Naik/Staff

According to many reports from upperclassmen, new freshmen have been looking younger than normal this school year. While these perceptions can often be taken as upperclassmen bias, that was not the case for one new freshman named Joe Sather. According to the freshman and his parents, an imposter with the same name has been impersonating him on campus. But the other Joe Sather happens to be a fourth-grader from a nearby elementary school.

“It’s ridiculous. I may look young, but a fourth-grader?” said the older Joe Sather. 

Apparently, the younger Joe Sather was on UC Berkeley’s campus during GBO for a class trip and heard a GBO leader call out his name during a roll call. He raised his hand and was taken in by the group without a second thought. The older Joe, who was in the bathroom at the time, was left in the dust without a student ID.

“Here’s the ID they gave me,” said the younger Joe Sather, showing us a student ID with a photograph of a young boy who looks eerily similar to the older Joe Sather. 

“That’s my baby’s baby face!” said the younger Joe’s mother. “I couldn’t believe Joe had applied to UC Berkeley without me knowing. At first, I was shocked. But now I’m just excited that my son’s a prodigy!”

The younger Joe’s family is finding it easier to believe their son is a genius than the fact that he’s been mistaken for an actual college-age student. Conversely, the older Joe’s family is frustrated with the issue of attempting to re-enroll their son. They’ve been battling with the younger Joe’s parents and the red tape of the administration. 

“It’s been a hard time. The school really can’t tell either boy apart. We’re hoping that proof of our tuition payments will clear all of this up. I know my son has a young face, but we had no idea it would bring this nightmare,” said the older Joe’s father. 

The older Joe Sather has been attending the local elementary school while his younger, but somehow older-looking, doppelgänger attends his classes at college.

“I feel more accepted here,” the older Joe said. “While the elementary students aren’t my peers, they treat me like one of them because I look like them. UC Berkeley was hard when I was there. People kept asking me if I was lost and freaking out when I told them that I was a student. I almost feel like I should stay here and practice my multiplication and long division,” he said.

The older Joe is scared of what’s to come if he returns to campus and reclaims his identity.

“I want to have a normal college experience, but how can I after this? I’ve been this short and this fresh-faced forever. No one will treat me the same. I was hoping to rush a frat, but would I even be taken seriously? No one wants an 18-year-old boy who looks like he’s 9,” Sather lamented. 

We aren’t sure if the older Joe Sather will successfully reclaim his spot at this university, but we do believe that puberty will hit him soon. At least we hope.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Sunny Sichi at [email protected].