This column was originally published in the Dec. 1, 2009 issue of The Daily Californian.
Mom, looks like I’m going to be doing this for the rest of the semester. Warning: If you read this, our phone conversations are going to get even more awkward.
Let’s be real here — we all have watched our fair share of pornos. Apart from how lame and predictable the average storyline is, the one thing that fascinates me most about pornos is the girl’s ability to reach a volume previously achieved only by jet planes. The Milf Hunter only has to stick a couple of fingers in the sweet spot, and in no time at all, the babe of a mom transforms into a Piccolo Pete.
Never in my life have I encountered any girl whose moans even approach the decibel level found in pornos.
All that changed a few weeks ago — right place, right time, and soon enough I was in bed with the type of girl whose very existence I had doubted. And let me tell you, this girl was LOUD — we’re talking U.S. versus Mexico in Estadio Azteca loud.
At one point, some of the guys in my house even considered knocking down my door for my own safety.
Not only was it loud, it was humorous — in an unintentional way, that is. Here is a sampling:
“OHH! OH MY GOD! AHHH! YOU’RE SO BIG (I’m really not)! THIS FEELS SO GOOD! OHHH! I’VE NEVER BEEN WITH A BROWN GUY BEFORE!”
(I kid you not about the “brown guy” part. I’ve written what, two “Sex on Tuesday” columns? I’m nowhere near clever enough at this point to make that stuff up.)
At first when she was spitting out these one-liners I had the same reaction as one would have after listening to a Ron Artest mixtape for the first time: I giggled to myself and thought, “What the hell is going on here? Am I really hearing this or is it all a figment of my imagination?’ ”
She completely put me off-balance. Instead of being turned on by the yelling, I was put in a daze.
I became so self-conscious of her outbursts that I tried to make out with her during sex to muffle the noise. She promptly nudged my face aside and continued to shout. Girl had stamina.
To be fair, I have always been the quiet type in bed. Sure, maybe I’ll gasp a little here or there, but in general, I keep it to a minimum. I try to be as natural as possible during sex, and the whole shouting thing is the exact opposite for me. It’s one thing to do a little dirty talk, but when the fellas down in People’s Park know that a brother is getting some, things have gone too far.
But then I started to think, why not give it a shot? What’s the worst that could happen?
Remember those middle school dances where there would be boys on one side and girls on the other? No one wanted to bust a move for fear that they would look foolish. Then the “Macarena” would come on and shortly thereafter everyone was “circle-dancing.” Next thing you knew, the night would be over and everyone whined when the DJ played the final song.
In most situations, whether it be sex or a school dance, you have to invest yourself in order to have a good time. Sure, you might end up looking ridiculous, like that one kid who went overboard with the “Electric Slide,” but chances are you’ll get that first kiss you’ve been daydreaming about in pre-algebra.
So what did I do for part two of the doubleheader? I joined in.
I didn’t exactly yell, “I’VE NEVER BEEN WITH AN ASIAN GIRL BEFORE!” I did, however, channel my inner Serena Williams and try to match her grunt for grunt.
Needless to say, I had a much better time the second go-round; I took a risk and quickly became enthralled in a refreshing experience I never had the pleasure of previously enjoying. (Am I talking about sex or Gatorade here?)
Let’s also not forget the other side of the story. Chances are my lady friend was turned on by the mere fact that now we were both playing her little game.
So the next time you’re hooking up and your friendly acquaintance starts doing something out of the ordinary, take a second to think about it. If it doesn’t cross any of your personal boundaries in terms of what you’re comfortable with, then go for it.
If you don’t, you might just end up like that kid who awkwardly stood around the punch bowl while everyone else was getting awkward wood on the dance floor.
And we all know there is nothing wrong with a little awkward wood.
Mustafa Shaikh was an undergraduate at UC Berkeley and is a former Daily Cal columnist.