Congratulations everyone. We’ve made it to the last week of “Bachelor in Paradise.” It’s been exhausting, and it’s been draining, but we’re finally in the homestretch. Give yourselves a pat on the back for watching this show longer than Colton and Tia were in a relationship.
All the happy couples are passionately in love. Well, as in love as they can be after only dating for three weeks on reality TV. American Jordan gets a date card telling him to get camera ready, which Jordan was born for. He takes Jenna, and they meet a photographer who tells them they’re doing an engagement photoshoot. Jordan proceeds to make his signature pensive look in every photo.
Jenna was already on edge about doing fake engagement photos and becomes even more anxious when she’s told to put on a wedding dress for a wedding photoshoot. Jordan takes a pause from his “Blue Steel” gaze to reassure her. They proceed to ruin a perfectly good wedding dress and tux by getting soaked by a wave.
Robby Hayes, desperate to extend his nanoseconds of C-list fame, comes to Paradise to no one’s excitement except Shushanna, who would, “double tap that.” He tries to ask Jenna out on a date, but as she so eloquently puts it, Jordan might “peel off (Robby’s) skin and cook it” if she went. Robby ends up taking Shushanna, and the two have a decent date, if you don’t count Robby looking dead inside the whole time.
When you order it online vs when it gets delivered. #BachelorinParadise pic.twitter.com/fvGXEB6Egc
— Erin (@erb2371) September 11, 2018
Meanwhile, Joe and Kendall reminisce about their two-week relationship. But when Joe semi-jokes about being engaged in the future, Kendall shuts down her quirkiness. She becomes tense and evades Joe’s concern, telling him that she needs to sleep on everything.
Somewhere else in Paradise, John and Diggy compete for Olivia’s rose. Diggy gets a trumpet player to serenade Olivia with “their song” –– a song from literally a night ago when they went on their date. John takes Olivia to a sunflower garden that is somehow growing in the sand on a beach. He tells her how it’s the perfect spot because sunflowers lean towards the sun and Olivia is the “brightest person here for (him).” In one fell swoop, John solidifies himself as the corniest person in Paradise.
The girls sit down with Shushanna and warn her about Robby’s shady past and how he allegedly cheated on Amanda Stanton, recently taken into custody for domestic violence charges –– after their stint on last season’s Paradise. Shushanna confronts Robby and asks him if he’s ever cheated. He admits to having cheated in the past but denies cheating on Amanda. He suspiciously seems like he’s trying to clear his name on national television –– but Shushanna doesn’t care.
What did we, Bachelor Nation, do to deserve having to watch Robby Hayes go on a one-on-one date haven’t we suffered enough #BachelorinParadise
— Brett S. Vergara (@BrettSVergara) September 11, 2018
Joe is still hurt by Kendall’s actions the night before, and he wonders where they stand. He talks to her about last night, and Kendall admits that she feels like they’re exclusive out of obligation. She tells him that she doesn’t know how he feels about her, which doesn’t really make sense since they admitted they were falling for each other a few episodes ago.
It seems that Kendall is afraid of the sped-up relationship timeline that comes with being on a Bachelor franchise show, which is perfectly reasonable, just not properly expressed to Joe. What follows is an excruciatingly raw break-up between one of the strongest couples, ending with Joe telling Kendall he was always in it for her.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qW9Q3kF_-48
As Joe leaves Paradise, someone calls out “We love you,” accurately representing all of America who has cemented Joe as a national treasure to be protected at all costs. Kendall also goes home, crying about how things ended.
Kendall: I can’t make that commitment.
Joe: I’m gonna leave now.
Me, an uninvolved third party: #BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/CxGdTiqJKf— Cara (@carathoughts_) September 11, 2018
With that somber note, the rose ceremony goes on. All the couples give their roses to each other, and Olivia gives her rose to John, sending Diggy into the break-up van with the trumpet player sadly serenading him as they leave Paradise.
Chris Harrison, who everyone keeps forgetting exists on this show, comes in to tell the remaining contestants that it is the second to last day in Paradise. The couples must now decide whether or not to spend the night in their respective fantasy suites. It seems that the “fantasy suite” is just a blatant euphemism for sex away from the cameras, but the couples all take it as the next step towards engagement and re-evaluate their relationships.
Olivia cries over taking the next step with someone she vibes with but isn’t serious about yet. John comes to comfort her, and they do the next best thing — leave Paradise holding hands. Kiwi Jordan nonchalantly cuts it off with Cassandra, and they leave separately.
Wow! Venmo Jon played his cards right! He was there from the beginning and stayed all the way thru. He made out with more girls than anybody there. He left the show WITH a girl but DOESN’T have to propose to her. And nobody on Twitter has hated on him. Damn! #BachelorinParadise pic.twitter.com/woeRY9qce7
— Joe (@futbolman2020) September 11, 2018
While Annaliese goes on and on about how into Kamil she is and how excited she is to take the next steps with him, Kamil freaks out about the fantasy suite. Ultimately he realizes that going through with the fantasy suite means getting more screen time and asks Annaliese to do it with him (pun intended). Krystal and Chris and Jordan and Jenna also accept the fantasy suite.
But Kevin is in his head again, having intercutting traumatic flashbacks of going to the fantasy suite with Ashley during “Winter Games” and watching her get engaged days before. He decides the best option is to break up with Astrid and sob into the cabana’s decorative pillows.
Whatever semblance of love formed on this show is officially dead.
Getting dumped was not part of the 12 month plan #BachelorInParadise
— Astrid Loch (@astrid_loch) September 11, 2018
The remaining couples go to their fantasy suites and confess their love to each other. Krystal blindfolds Chris in bed and pulls out a suspiciously long feather –– more than we ever needed to know about them. The producers cut to the bedroom lights turning off and not-so-subtle shots of fireworks bursting.
Who would of thought Goose the Gaslighter would have one of the strongest relationships coming out of Paradise.
me watching chris, the goose, be happy while joe is heartbroken on his way to the airport #BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/E8OfsYR363
— Jess 🌸 (@JTilly29) September 11, 2018
The next morning, each couple reconvenes at the romantic boardwalk quickly built by production assistants on the beach. Kamil doesn’t propose, much to Annaliese’s disappointment, but does say he wants to pursue the relationship outside of Paradise. Jordan and Jenna are next. Jordan tells Jenna that fighting for her was, “the most confident thing (he’s) ever done,” which is saying a lot, considering its Jordan. He drops down on one knee and proposes to her, which Jenna excitedly says yes to.
Krystal is nervous heading onto the beach because she and Chris are both scared of commitment. But you know what Chris isn’t scared of? A free Neil Lane engagement ring, which he presents to Krystal on the beach. Paradise officially comes to a close with two engagements, which is considered a success story for this franchise.
On to the “Bachelor in Paradise” reunion! Everyone’s favorite contestants and Leo reconvene on the infamous LA stage to reminisce about their Mexican vacation and give updates on what’s been happening. Olivia reveals that John broke up with her, saying that he wasn’t feeling the long distance. Eric continues to downplay his and Angela’s relationship but ultimately apologizes for how he ended it. Benoit butts his French-Canadian head with Jordan.
The inside of Chris Harrison’s brain as drama creates itself in front of a studio audience:#BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/lpiasI8xU7
— Megs (@meghattan) September 12, 2018
Chris Harrison brings Kevin and Astrid onto the hot seat to talk more about their break-up like a couple’s therapy session that’s aired to millions of strangers. Kevin takes full responsibility and explains that he came into Paradise with baggage, but, it turns out, the happy couple have rekindled their relationship and are still in love.
Next on the hot seat is everyone’s favorite quirky former couple Kendall and Joe. Kendall tells Chris Harrison that after she left, she flew to Chicago (with an entire production crew) to talk with Joe about how she was scared of commitment but wanted him back. After having dinner, they got back together and have been flying back and forth to each other ever since. Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief that love is real again but also silently curse Kendall for taking Joe off the market.
Trying to prove that he has a real job on the show, Chris Harrison tells Joe that he’s pulled some strings for Joe to be on “Dancing With the Stars” so he can stay in LA to be with Kendall, which Joe bashfully agrees to do. What is going to happen to Joe’s grocery store now? Who will stock his produce?
The couple that no one cares about, Kamil and Annaliese, walk onto the hot spot where Kamil promptly breaks up with Annaliese on live television, which is about as comfortable to watch as a rectal exam. It’s even worse because he has the emotional range of a cereal box in this blatant attempt to stay relevant in the “Bachelor” franchise.
Imagine caring so little about someone and their feelings that you pick the 2/100’s of hours that you know you’ll be in front of millions of people to break up with her. How?! Why?! #BachelorInParadise
— Jubilee Sharpe (@JubileeSharpe1) September 12, 2018
Annaliese goes offstage to cry but comes back to call him out for being a douchebag. Meanwhile, Chris Harrison awkwardly stands up, not knowing what his role should be. Settling on the role of “kindergarten teacher,” he sends Kamil away and tells the cast members to come up and hug Annaliese.
Chris Harrison cut Kamil's 15 minutes of fame down to five because he is the GOAT. #BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/9JKuWvSaGk
— Bachelor Burn Book (@bachelorburnbk) September 12, 2018
Jenna and Jordan are up next and confirm that they plan to have a wedding next summer in Paradise with Chris Harrison officiating –– which is awkward to watch now that news has broken out yesterday of Jenna allegedly cheating on Jordan and faking the entire relationship.
Finally, Goose and soon-to-be Mrs. Goose come out, still very much in love. So much so, that Chris tears up trying to talk about their relationship. No one saw Chris and Krystal being the strongest couple coming out of Paradise, but this is what it has come down to.
All bets are off on which couples will actually make it past a few months, but for now we can all pretend that love was found on this season of “Bachelor in Paradise.”
Now, we have to purge this entire franchise out of our system before “The Bachelor” begins again in January.
