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Clog report: Student excited to go to class, be on phone the entire time

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SEPTEMBER 17, 2018

With the weight of their parents’ expectations on them, a student now attending the No. 1 (or occasionally No. 2) public university in the world was excited to go to class and be on their phone the entire time. 

“I’m used to students checking their phones every once in a while out of boredom or to check the time,” said the professor of the class. “But this is nearly the entire class period. I’m almost impressed.”

The professor confirmed that lecturers are, in fact, able to see what their students are doing during class. He explained that they are aware of when students pay less than their full attention.

“OK, you don’t understand,” said the student. “I literally live for drama. You don’t even want to know what happened this weekend.”

The next part of the interview has been excluded because of privacy concerns. However, we at the Clog would like our readers to know that we found out undeniably too much information.

With the impending deadlines of homework assignments, essays and midterms looming over the entire student body, it’s surprising that students would choose not to focus in lecture. The student in question was seen cheerily closing the Facebook app, only to immediately open up Instagram during the middle of class. Experts remain confused as to why exactly the student would stop scrolling through one social media app in favor of the other.

“At least I’m, like, here and conscious,” the student said defensively, referring to the two friends they were taking the class with. One of them was still asleep at home, and the other sat one seat over from her friend, visibly drooling onto her notebook.

Sources close to the student have confirmed that the student opens Snapchat to unnecessarily continue streaks that no one cares about anymore. In the event of the lecture running over the allocated time, the student may even be so bold as to open up Twitter. 

Of course, experts noted that the student would be obviously (and regularly) going back on to Messenger and responding to texts throughout this process.

Sources have reported that the dedicated student answered a phone call on the way out of class by shouting, “Hi Mom! Yeah, just got out of class — I learned so much today!”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected] .

SEPTEMBER 18, 2018