Clog Report: UC Berkeley freshmen flee to UCLA as stress mounts

Lianne Frick/File

On Sept. 10, the Daily Clog’s reporters started their investigation on campus to explain the recent spike in freshman dropout rates. They were shocked to find that these freshmen were leaving UC Berkeley for UCLA, where they believe stress levels and academic rigor to be lower.

They discovered this from a tip from Oski, when he stopped them and asked, “Do you want to know the real reason why our freshman population is decreasing so rapidly? It’s because we are no longer the No. 1 public university in the world.”

As he said this, he took off his Oski mask and replaced it with what it seemed to be a Bruin head.

More than 9,000 incoming freshmen entered one of the most prestigious colleges in the nation, University of California, Berkeley, earlier this fall. But reports show the size of the class of 2022 is quickly diminishing.

Last week, the class of 2022 consisted of 6,578 freshmen. This is more than 2,000 individuals down from when the class entered UC Berkeley this fall. As of today, there are only about 4,345 freshmen still enrolled at UC Berkeley.

According to an extremely tired freshman one of our reporters spoke to, he was currently running on only one hour of sleep and attributed the high dropout rate to the amount of stress UC Berkeley brings upon them.

“Yeah, man. It’s just super stressful here, you know? Classes are moving very quickly. I honestly thought the classes were going to be like AP classes in high school. But boy, was I wrong.”

Another student, who was found crying outside of Dwinelle after her CS 61A midterm, said, “F*ck Berkeley. Everything is so difficult here. I’ve never failed a test in my entire life. This B is going to wreck me. Is it too late to transfer to UCLA?”

Many freshmen came into college thinking that they are the shit. But in reality, they have found that they are shit compared to the overachievers at UC Berkeley.

Hopefully, the freshmen who have left UC Berkeley have found some peace down in SoCal.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Kelly Fong at [email protected].