Clog Report: Studies suggest KiwiBots to lead imminent robot revolution

Alexander Hong/Staff

Disturbing reports of KiwiBots displaying elements of independence, a phenomenon previously unheard of in the technological realm, have surfaced. Experts suggest that the little delivery machines may be leading the way for the imminent robot revolution.

Beginning in 2017, the Kiwi delivery service has made use of small wheeled robots to deliver food across campus. KiwiBots have become a familiar sight in the past year and have become a sort of mascot to students.

This celebrity has come with increased scrutiny. Conflicts between KiwiBots and the local Berkeley wildlife, beginning with a meme of a KiwiBot chasing down a squirrel, were reported during the summer. Reports steadily escalated as the semester began, with further reports of a KiwiBot disrupting a Cal Band march.

“We’re aware of the community’s concerns and will be investigating the reported events,” said Kiwi in an email statement.

With great strides forward in the fields of artificial intelligence and machine learning, it’s only natural that concerns arise over a potential Skynet-esque robot revolution to overthrow human overlords. People’s fears of possible confrontation with the wheeled food transporters seem to increase every day. 

“Keep in mind that these reports are only individual cases,” said professor Cristina Anderson, leading expert in the field of artificial intelligence. “We worry that these KiwiBots will share such developments with each other or even other machines and that these occurrences will become more and more common,” Anderson continued.

Recently, reports have arisen about KiwiBots gathering on Sproul Plaza. The bots have apparently been meeting with one another in small groups of four or five in an organized fashion.

“I mean, we are in Berkeley,” said Anderson. “I guess it’s inevitable that an abused labor source will organize and revolt.”

Attempts to interview any KiwiBots were unsuccessful.

As of now, expert findings remain inconclusive. The UCPD released a Nixle alert earlier today urging the community to be wary of the “little machines of terror.” UCPD fears that it will only be a matter of time before something serious happens. 

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected].