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Clog report: KiwiBots placed on endangered species list

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Special Issues Editor

SEPTEMBER 25, 2018

With club season finally coming to a close, it was announced that KiwiBots have become endangered and have gone off into hiding.

“We’ve just been seeing fewer and fewer bots on campus,” a concerned sophomore shared with the Clog.

KiwiBots used to roam freely around campus, but have recently been exploited because of clubs’ desperation for recruitment.

“They feel used! They just keep getting stacked with flyers and used as free promotion. It’s really sad and inhumane,” said a KiwiBot spokesperson, Carl Marcks, to our reporters.

Recent KiwiBot statistics have shown that the bots have been using fewer heart eyes and, instead, have just been staring blankly, with a few blinks here and there.

“They’re going into hiding and just shutting down in general. The population has gone from 10 to five in the last two weeks. This rapid decline is incredibly startling,” Marcks released in a statement.

With UC Berkeley students seeing the decline of happy KiwiBots, the meme page “UC Berkeley Memes for Edgy Teens” has been renamed “UC Berkeley Memes For Kiwi Loving Teens” in an effort to get the KiwiBots back to their full strength.

The support for KiwiBots hasn’t stopped there. Because of a study that links KiwiBot decline to club flyering, the student body has rallied together to ban clubs from using flyers. From now on, clubs are only allowed to yell and hold signs, and cannot distribute any material to students or KiwiBots.

“Not only is this good for the KiwiBots, but this is also a step toward our Zero Waste 2020 initiative. We all know those flyers end up in the trash, but half of the time, they don’t make it into the recycling bin,” said campus junior Vladimeer Pootin, expressing his support for KiwiBots at a student-led rally.

Just before press time, Chancellor Carol Christ called for UC Berkeley students to come together to help save one of UC Berkeley’s greatest treasures.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Joyce Cam at [email protected].

OCTOBER 11, 2018