Clog report: Seniors still waiting for their SAT scores to be relevant

Approaching their final year at UC Berkeley, students of the senior class revealed that they were still waiting for the moment when their high school test scores would become relevant.

“I know it’s something that’s joked about all the time,” said Geoffrey Russel, a campus senior. “But, like, my perfect 2400 SAT score has to be worth something, right?”

Each fall semester there’s a new horde of memes about incoming freshmen being overly proud of their high school accomplishments, particularly of scores on standardized tests such as Advanced Placement exams and the SAT. Although there are also other standardized tests, such as the ACT, International Baccalaureate and A level, they are not as commonly brought up.

Russel confirmed that he had regularly been the butt of many upperclassmen jokes because of his excessive pride.

“I would spend the longest time telling them all about how much I studied for them,” Russel said. “I had to find out the hard way that no one actually gave a damn.”

“I’ve kept it all on the down low my entire time at UC Berkeley,” said Stefani Liesel, another campus senior. “But it’s something that I still really, really want to share, you know?”

Many seniors have expressed confusion over how little of an effect those standardized tests have had on their college careers, besides some class credits.

“There has to have been some reason I paid College Board for those 10 APs,” said Liesel. “Also, did you know I took 10 APs? I should totally bring that up during my job interview next week.”

Sources report that some campus seniors have secondary resumes that, in addition to the usual list of qualifications and experiences, also include all of their standardized test scores.

At press time, in a fit of despair, Liesel was seen uploading her entire standardized testing record to LinkedIn.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected] .