We can’t all be Janet: Which character from ‘The Good Place’ are you?

NBC Universal/Courtesy

NBC’s “The Good Place” is back, just in time for your Philosophy 100 quiz! If you haven’t seen the show yet, head straight to Netflix to binge-watch and catch up. With our favorite cast of characters returning this Thursday, we at the Clog thought it would be a great time to see which character from “The Good Place” we are!

  1. So, you’ve died. How did it happen?
    1. You and your best friend were in the middle of another one of your brilliant schemes when some itty-bitty little detail went wrong.
    2. Your indecisiveness is what got you in the end — literally everyone around you could have guessed that would happen.
    3. It wasn’t your proudest moment. Your pettiness is what got you. It’s something you would deny to the end, but alas, it led to yours.
    4. You were standing up for yourself when fate came around and forking murked you outta nowhere! Come on, there’s no fairness in this world.
    5. There was a tragic accident while you were frolicking on the beach.
    6. Life is meaningless. Humans are terrible. What does it matter? We’re all going to be destroyed by a thousand suns anyway.
  2. How good were you on Earth?
    1. We all fork around and throw a few Molotov cocktails every now and then. Nobody’s perfect.
    2. Can anyone really judge their own goodness based on a standard that is unfairly skewed in their own favor?
    3. You prefer to let your friends answer these sorts of things. Talk to Oprah.
    4. So maybe you weren’t the best person on Earth. But you certainly weren’t the worst, either! Isn’t there some sort of middle ground?
    5. “Good” and “bad” are just human determinants you’re not bound to.
    6. You were good at your job, and your job was being bad. Doesn’t that conversely make you good?
  3. What would you say is your favorite food and why?
    1. Jalapeño poppers from Stupid Nick’s Wing Dump! You can’t get it anywhere else. It’s literally outlawed in most states.
    2. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as your grandmother’s split pea soup.
    3. There’s this incredible salad that you saw Reese Witherspoon prepare before she put it in her new cookbook. Revolutionary.
    4. Can’t get enough shrimp. Not gonna say no to drinking your dinner either, amirite?
    5. You can’t digest food or swallow Gatorade. Your thirst to understand the universe can’t be quenched.
    6.  Frozen yogurt has to be humanity’s greatest invention — taking ice cream and making it a little bit worse. Exquisite.
  4. Which philosopher do you think you relate to the most, and why?
    1. Does DJ Khaled count? Every time life gets you down, you just remember his immortal words, “another one,” and move right along.
    2. Oh God, you have to choose? Well, in that case, why not go with Aristotle, one of the founders of the belief in practical ethics.
    3. You’ve dabbled a little in Voltaire’s philosophy that advocated for people’s freedoms. He was a witty sod.
    4. Can’t get this far without our boy Karl Marx. (What, did you forget this was Berkeley?)
    5. You’re not all that sure about human philosophy, but you have to appreciate Descartes. You really do think, and therefore you really are.
    6. Honestly, it’s really a tie between Nietzsche and Machiavelli. Literally, a tie strung between them. They’re torturing each other in the Bad Place right now.
  5. So, obviously, we’re all a little bad. What was one of your guilty pleasures back on Earth?
    1. Why do pleasures gotta be guilty? Why can’t you spend the last of your money on guac in peace?
    2. It’s gotta be quinoa. It started out with good intentions, but now you just can’t stop. Where is the line?
    3. Goodness, you do love a good cup of tea, or boba tea, or spilling the tea. You get the point.
    4. Forking around with those obnoxious people on Sproul and trying to get you to sign up for yet another cause. Vegans are the most fun.
    5. Sometimes you like to mess around and fall in love with literally the least suitable partner. It really isn’t a good choice, but it sure can be fun.
    6. Your greatest weakness might be that you’re actually beginning to grow attached to these humans you’ve surrounded yourself with.
  6.  What’s your major and future ambition?
    1. Haas all the way! You’re a future entrepreneur with a secret musical gift. You’re in at least one of the dance groups on campus. Your future couldn’t be brighter.
    2. You’re a humanities major. Some people don’t see what you can do with that other than teach, but you want to teach. Maybe teaching and writing pages long dissertations is your passion, all right?
    3. You’re a double major in the social sciences. You’re going to end up at some sort of NGO or nonprofit at some point in your career, and you can almost taste the Nobel Prize.
    4. Honestly, you kind of ended up in this major by accident. Once you got on the path you just kind of went with it. You’ll probably end up in some office job you hate, but hey, whatever pays the bills.
    5. 100 percent STEM. You see yourself as a student in the school of life. You love helping people and, in many ways, you’re more of a combination between a KiwiBot and a GBO leader than a regular student.
    6. You’re an architecture major and are most likely to be found locked up in your room fretting over a complicated diagram. You can see yourself doing this forever.
    1. You are Jason Mendoza! Sweet!!! Not to be confused with the silent monk, Jianyu Li, you’re loud, proud, and love to be in front of a crowd. You may not be the smartest crayon in the tool shed, but where’s the fun in that?
    2. Who else could you be but Chidi Anagonye? You’re the most adorable and ethically cautious of the cast of “The Good Place” — almost too cautious, if we’re honest. Please, please deal with that nasty indecisiveness of yours before it bites you like an A/C system to the face.
    3. Congratulations, beautiful! You are the fantastic “sexy giraffe,” Tahani Al-Jamil! You’re as polite as you are petty, and nothing bothers you quite so much as knowing someone else is standing in your limelight. Really, no one hosts a party quite like you, except maybe your best friend, Beyoncé.
    4. Aw yeah, you’re Eleanor Shellstrop!! You’re the main forking character in this show, a noted chaotic bisexual, and really, how could you be anything else? OK, so maybe you weren’t always the best person, but you tried, and that’s what counts… right?
    5. You are Janet: the adorable artificial intelligence in a purple dress, and the most helpful humanoid system since Alexa and Siri got together and adopted a baby. Oh, you didn’t know about that? Well, I guess you can’t know everything. You’re not quite “with” the kids, but you’re trying. Mood, amirite?
    6. Oh boy. You’re Michael. While angels and demons can’t technically exist, as there technically isn’t such thing as Heaven and Hell… Michael pretty much takes the cake when it comes to chaotic neutral beings. And don’t you look smart in your bow tie and suspenders. Human inventions are absurd, but so very fun.

Contact Lauren West at [email protected].