Clog report: City discovers ‘boba monster’ growing under Berkeley

Amanda Ramirez /File

City officials have discovered a gigantic boba monster growing under the city of Berkeley, with experts suggesting that it could be the cause of the sudden increase in boba shops near campus on Southside.

“Although we’re not entirely sure exactly how the process works in a physical or biological sense, we have concluded that the so-called ‘boba monster’ is still actively growing,” said Natasha Chiao, an internationally renowned campus professor in boba analytics.

“It does appear to be a fully organic process,” Chiao said. “Locations seem to be cleanly swept away and boba locations just pop up. We don’t even see any construction.”

Indeed, two new boba stores have opened near campus in the past month alone: TZONE on Telegraph Avenue and YiFang Taiwan Fruit Tea on Bancroft Way. This is in addition to the other stores in the immediate area that (sometimes exclusively) serve boba, including Tea Press, Sharetea, RareTea, Sheng Kee Bakery, UCafe, Boba Ninja, Shihlin Taiwan Street Snacks, Gong Cha and Sweetheart Cafe.

All of these stores are located mere blocks from each other.

The particular concentration of boba locations around the intersection of Telegraph Avenue and Bancroft Avenue could help triangulate exactly where the boba monster is located, although some experts have warned against having it put down.

“I think it’s reasonable to suggest that the boba monster has developed a sort of parasitic relationship with the Berkeley environment, and thus the student body as a whole,” Chiao said. “While its rapid spread is concerning, we don’t know what the potential backlash of having it destroyed could be.”

Experts remain uncertain as to whether the boba locations would survive the death of the monster. Some suggest that they might all simply collapse in on themselves.

“Given the current pervasiveness of the boba addiction, we’re not sure if the student population could survive that possible loss,” Chiao said. “Even our most conservative estimates say that a third of them would just straight-up die.”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected] .