Tinder messages a ‘Venom’ symbiote might send to a UC Berkeley student

Beini Liu/Staff

In “Venom,” Marvel’s newest antihero film, symbiotes are the latest alien species to roam the Bay Area. Obviously, the symbiote isn’t even remotely interested in romance. If you’ve seen the movie, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Symbiotes are purely interested in bonding with their hosts. The host follows the symbiote, while the symbiote keeps the host alive. For the sake of this scenario, which takes place among UC Berkeley students, let us assume these symbiotes intend to retire from swashbuckling and instead plan to live their lives out peacefully within their UC Berkeley hosts. 

Here are some things your “matched” symbiote may message you on Tinder:

  • “How many calories would you say the average squirrel is on campus?”
  • “Do you walk a lot on and off campus? I can’t overexert myself at the ripe old age of 10,000.”
  • “Who is the alpha friend in your friend group?”
  • “Back on my planet, sugar was a foreign concept.”
  • “I could try helping you study for your next anatomy midterm! I know all the ins and outs of every major body system! :)”
  • “What do you like to eat? My friend found a host who swears by chocolate and Tater Tots.”
  • “If you’ve ever wanted to climb the Campanile, together we can make that happen.”
  • “Do you have any roommates who listen to loud and high-frequency music? If so, this won’t work out. In fact, if you like to bake and have ever burned anything, we definitely should pretend we never matched.”
  • “Do you have any bones that haven’t been completely healed after being broken? The nice thing about having me around is that I have regenerative abilities.”
  • “How fast do you think you could walk from Cory to Barrows? I bet I could help you get there in less than five minutes.”
  • “I’ve been told that this app is meant to find relationships, but I could offer you relationship advice instead.”
  • “Who came up with the idea of KiwiBots? I feel like members of our planet would greatly benefit from such friends.”
  • “I hope you aren’t a picky eater, I have worse cravings than a pregnant woman in her second trimester.”
  • “Have you ever considered competing on “Wipeout”? With my added reflexes, we would no doubt win.”
  • “How do you like to relax? I prefer long strolls along the Berkeley Marina.”
  • “Have you heard of a symbiote named Venom? I hear he lives nearby in San Francisco. Maybe we could visit him, since he’s so close.”

Next time you match with someone on Tinder, look out for these messages — you might just be talking to a symbiote.

Contact Malvika Singhal at [email protected] .