To stay true to UC Berkeley’s title of the No. 1 school with the “most stressed-out students” in a recent Study International ranking, the administration has decided to discard CalCentral in favor of UC Berkeley’s new class enrollment site, enRollOnYouBears.edu.
“Even with housing insecurity, rising tuition and massive debt, I believe replacing UC Berkeley’s current enrollment system is our greatest priority,” said an anonymous campus administrator in her interview with The Daily Clog earlier today.
When asked about the change sparking outrage across campus, she replied, “We’re just glad to be back in the media spotlight.”
Rather than starting Oct. 15, as originally planned, Phase 1 was rescheduled to two weeks ago, and most of us have missed our appointment time already. The unit cap is also now four units for Phase 1 and nine units for Phase 2, leaving all full-time students to find at least one additional class during the two-week adjustment period at the start of the spring semester.
“We wanted to force the students to explore more options and have to stay additional semesters because they couldn’t get the required classes to graduate in time,” the anonymous administrator said.
Deadlines, however, are not the only thing that has changed. To slow down the bureaucratic process, all class registrations are to be handwritten and submitted on paper. Each student must also run three laps around the campus with their paper application before submitting it to Sproul Hall. Student employees did ask that The Daily Clog include a warning that wait times are generally four to five hours and that the phone lines are full until Dec. 2.
The video component, which can be accessed through an invisible button somewhere on the CalCentral website, is the only part of the application that remains online. For this part of the enrollment process, students must submit home videos of themselves physically jumping through hoops (hula hoops are recommended), before embarking on their marathon run. Software viruses installed and transmitted through AirBears, however, are engineered to delete one out of every 300 files, which means that your video might be lost, your enrollment may be dropped, and you may be fined for late registration.
Unfortunately, unlike the case with the old class-registration website Tele-BEARS, students will not be able to blame their tardiness on a broken system. Rather, the university is taking a hard-line stance, closing the Sproul Hall CalCentral cubicles and replacing them with a De-stress with Dogs station. The on-campus group that brings dogs to Sproul Plaza for students to play with has been moved to the first floor of the administrative building, in a room with large cozy chairs and nap pods for ultimate comfort.
Another anonymous campus administrator stated, “We heard students were stressed on campus, so instead of addressing the things they were stressed about, we decided to prioritize mental health.”
Students were sent a notice of the new enrollment system via the Federal Government’s presidential push-notification messaging system last week. Stunned by what they called “the administration’s invasiveness,” a cluster of about 30 students gathered around the chancellor’s mansion last Friday in protest, before solemnly realizing that the chancellor doesn’t live in her on-campus mansion and that they weren’t yelling at anyone.
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.