Clog Report: Actual bears spotted during Homecoming Weekend remain on campus

Yiran Chen/File

There has been an explosion of wildlife on campus in recent months, with various reports of an expanding (and sometimes dangerous) squirrel culture, the internet-wide phenomenon of moths and even the Strada bees.

“There’s actually so much more wildlife here than what we have back home,” said campus freshman, Flynn Andrews, whose hometown doesn’t really matter, because anywhere would have less wildlife than Berkeley in years prior. “The squirrels, the KiwiBots, the bees, the squirrels, Oski, the scooters … the list just goes on!”

With that in mind, it’s only mildly surprising that real bears have been sighted on campus. This phenomenon began during Homecoming Weekend when real bears came home to UC Berkeley.

Unconfirmed sources report that the bears even partook in Homecoming events such as campus tours and presentations. In one particularly outrageous case, the bears even attended multiple parties.

And it hasn’t stopped there — the bears have since remained on campus, and the population seems to be growing.

“There are bears now, too?” screeched Andrews in an interview. “Actual bears?” he shouted in confusion. 

The bear population has become an active part of the student body, with various sightings at Crossroads, in lecture halls and even prowling through Sproul Plaza.

“Well, this adds an interesting twist to the ‘Go Bears!’ motto,” said one particularly adventurous Sprouler, who was later seen attempting to flyer a grizzly.

This phenomenon gained national attention when one bear got stuck in the doorway of ShareTea, a boba store on Bancroft Avenue. The animal was apparently in the process of assimilating with the UC Berkeley student body, given the development of its rabid thirst for boba.

“Honestly, at this point, we’re just waiting for the bears to start a protest,” said campus spokesperson Blake Wolfe. “And I mean the literal bears; though, I guess there are even chances that there will be a student protest as well?”

At press time, the campus released an email calling for any proficient speakers of Grizzly Growl to come forward. The campus administration is already debating how to adjust to this sudden additional segment of the student population in the form of literal bears.

“Should we ask them to pay tuition? Do they count as international students? Do we open Bear Culture Study classes?” Wolfe said. “These are only some of the many questions we need to begin asking,” remarked Wolfe as he followed one of the new bear students on Twitter. 

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected].