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Clog Report: Campuswide holiday announced in response to destroyed KiwiBot

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OCTOBER 24, 2018

KiwiBots, the small wheeled robots that deliver food around campus at the behest of the Kiwi delivery service, have become a staple part of UC Berkeley culture in the past year. They’re now a familiar sight all around campus and a unique and iconic part of the student and online culture. The Kiwi program, however, has suffered various complications as it has been scaled up. These complications come with the increasing casualties of its KiwiBot deliverers.

“When people talk about the scalability of a business, they don’t always account for the dangers to those on the ground,” said a Kiwi representative in a statement.

Sources report that the KiwiBots seem to have particular difficulty with navigating the ramp leading down from Moffitt. Some of these struggles are easily remedied by regularly flipping over toppled deliverers. Other complications, however, are much more insidious.

Just last week, a KiwiBot was tragically destroyed in its brave food delivery journey in a hit-and-run incident along the intersection of Telegraph Avenue and Bancroft Avenue. The incident is currently under investigation by UCPD, with some suggesting that the attack may have been targeted against the recently organizing KiwiBotsA wake for the fallen KiwiBot will be held Thursday at the Campanile. UC Berkeley students have posthumously named the late deliverer “Kevin.” 

When asked about the arguably unnecessary naming, Andrea Smith, one of the event organizers, responded by exclaiming, “Why the hell not? We can’t keep calling it ‘that KiwiBot who died.’ “

In lieu of this tragic loss, the campus administration has called for an official day of mourning with classes being canceled next Monday. In an email sent earlier today, UC Berkeley administrators announced that the date would be an annual UC Berkeley holiday.

Unconfirmed sources revealed that the campus was currently petitioning to have the entire UC system include the holiday, though, at present, those odds seem rather slim.

A fierce debate has erupted on campus as concerns over the safety of KiwiBots have risen amongst the student body. Some have gone so far as to suggest that KiwiBot expansion should be halted until there is more infrastructure to support them.

“We need to guarantee the safety of the KiwiBots before we allow more of them to roam on campus,” Smith said. “It’s what Kevin would have wanted.”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected].

OCTOBER 24, 2018