Clog Report: KiwiBot to replace its robots with squirrels

Joshua Jordan/File

Acknowledging the varying concerns the campus community has had in the last few months, Willie Kiwilimepie, a KiwiBot spokesperson, has announced the company’s plan to replace its robot deliverers, known as KiwiBots, with squirrels.

“This is a multipronged approach that we believe will address all of the issues that have developed recently,” Kiwilimepie said in a statement.

In September, concerns were raised about an imminent robot revolution due to a sudden, unexplained independence demonstrated by some KiwiBots. This was almost immediately followed by the tragic destruction of Kevin, one of the brave deliverers of the KiwiBot community.

“We don’t wish for a Skynet-esque situation, and we also fear for the safety of our beloved Kiwibots,” Kiwilimepie said. “Thus, we have concluded that our only way to continue to scale up our business is to change our modes of transportation and delivery.”

This has presented a conundrum to the company, as its most distinguishing element in the food delivery business is its KiwiBots, which cut down on delivery costs and are iconically “Kawaii,” or very cute, as put by local Kiwi activist Andrea Smitherington.

“We appreciate KiwiBot’s obvious care for the robots. This is the right step forward for all of us,” Smitherington said. “In the meantime, couldn’t you keep up the cuteness by hiring cute people to do the deliveries?”

Indeed, KiwiBot is changing things up, though not exactly in that fashion. The company began looking for a new mode of transportation that would also be “iconically Berkeley” and unique to the campus community.

Kiwilimepie stated that the company has ultimately settled on using squirrels.

Initial tests have been promising, according to lead project manager Aleksander Grape. Reports show that the public response to potentially having food delivered by squirrels is predictably positive.

“We’ve also realized how much higher of a ceiling we have with squirrel delivery,” Grape said. “As they don’t run on wheels, squirrels have a much greater flexibility in, for example, not being limited by stairs or not randomly toppling over.”

There has also been some experimentation in having the squirrels deliver to particular classrooms, though those tests have been less promising.

“Teaching wildlife how to navigate human buildings has been a bit awkward,” Grape admitted. “We’ve even lost a few of the squirrels in Dwinelle.”

Grape also noted that the natural self-defense mechanisms of the squirrel deliverers could help alleviate the issue of vandals, though that hasn’t helped in cases in which the squirrels themselves were the vandals and ate the food they were supposed to deliver.

“While we’re still smoothing some things out, we are very proud of our progress so far, and have full confidence that this plan of action will lead KiwiBot to reach even greater heights,” Kiwilimepie said.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected] .