Clog Report: AC Transit buses late as they, too, hit semester low

Mark Unger/File

Members of the UC Berkeley community have reported that local bus lines have been late on an increasingly regular basis because of stress acquired by osmosis from the student body. Some buses have even dropped off their schedules entirely as they cope with the additional pressure from exams and lack of sleep. Daily Clog reporters suspect that the vehicles have hit a semester low, alongside the student body.

“It’s not just the students who begin to suffer as the semester drags on,” said AC Transit spokesperson Alix Hoss. “Our beloved buses have also hit that semester low.”

Hoss shared data revealing the unrelenting pressure put upon AC Transit buses. The buses go nonstop from 5 a.m. to almost midnight, with a similar schedule over the weekend. Unlike students, the buses’ overloaded schedules are somewhat offset by the buses not having to deal with exams or essays. Regardless, these demanding schedules still add up to more than a hundred hours of work each week.

“It’s not just the schedule — it’s also the environment,” Hoss said. “Unlike information, stress can be transferred through osmosis.”

The data has further revealed that transporting stressed-out UC Berkeley students has a negative toll on a bus’s long-term efficiency and longevity because of added pressures from the atmosphere.

“It has been said that diamonds are made under pressure, but that just doesn’t apply here,” Hoss said. “Our buses have actually begun to break down under pressure.”

Attempts to interview the buses themselves were largely unsuccessful, as most would only grunt in distress. One anonymous source mentioned that they overheard one bus asking another if things get any better during the upcoming winter break. 

Data experts have concurred with the data provided by Hoss on the state of the buses. Some have expressed surprise that AC Transit had the presence of mind to look into the well-being of their buses, given how the structured metal frame of the buses would make it relatively difficult to perceive those internal struggles.

That is, of course, in comparison to the average UC Berkeley student, who just regularly looks panicked.

“We encourage students to practice self-care in order to better support our public transportation system,” Hoss said. “Best of luck on your last run of midterms, but if you’re running late for one, I don’t think you can rely on the bus!”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected] .