The Clog’s Stanford student starter pack

The wild Stanford student can be seen with many different trademarks that make them just about as exciting as trees. This tree-loving group of students naturally has a specific set of basic characteristics that makes them obviously less superior to UC Berkeley students. Join the Clog as we explore what key traits make a Stanford student, a $tanfurd student.

A questionable mascot

Think Oski looks like your creepy uncle who lives in your basement? Search up the “Stanford Tree.” This green-tentacled, googly-eyed tarp with a scarring, off-kilter smile will haunt you in your nightmares every single night. Each year, the unlucky student who becomes the new Tree attempts to remake the mascot, but it looks more and more like a drawing a four-year-old drew on Microsoft Paint. But hey, what more can you expect from a Stanford student?

A UC Berkeley rejection letter

Why else would anyone go to $tanfurd when they could go to UC Berkeley? The only obvious reason someone would pass up UC Berkeley to go to Stanford is if they got their ass dumped by UC Berkeley and had to settle for a more mediocre school.

A dismembered leg as part of Stanford’s Class of 2022

With a 4.3 percent acceptance rate, “one” out of Stanford’s 4 accepted students out of 100 is just some poor kid’s leg. It sent some naive, unsuspecting student a letter that said, “Congratulations! Your left leg has been accepted into Stanford’s Class of 2022! Please chop off and ship to Palo Alto immediately.” That’s cruel and unusual punishment if you ask us. At least UC Berkeley spared its incoming class, which had a 15.1 percent acceptance rate, by only accepting someone’s ear and not a full, important body part.

A knockoff Campanile

Face it, Stanford’s Hoover Tower just isn’t as good as ours. “Hoover Tower”? What, did they have it sponsored by the vacuum company? At least UC Berkeley was classy enough to have Sather Tower, more commonly known as the Campanile, funded in the name of a Norwegian banker. If that doesn’t scream academia, we don’t know what does.

Atherton, California

Being close to this sad, sad, bougie city is the bane of the South Bay’s existence. Stanford students get to deal with all the lame things that people from Atherton call about to the police department, such as getting their finger stuck in a drain or stepping out onto a balcony and having the door close behind them. Now that we think about it, these were probably $tanfurd students.

Whether it’s their hands in their parents’ wallets, a Tesla parked outside their front door or a hoverboard on fire, Stanford students have absolutely nothing on UC Berkeley students. After all, we have People’s Park, Kiwis and electric unicycles!

Contact Pooja Bale at [email protected].