Clog Report: Campus to cut down all trees in Berkeley for Big Game

Dean Ignacio/File

With the Big Game coming up this very weekend, the campus has revealed its plans to cut down all the trees in Berkeley in order to “make a statement,” as put by head football coach Justin Wilcox.

“Everyone must know how serious we are,” Wilcox said. “We’ll show those Cardinals exactly what we think of their dumb mascot.”

Further discussion revealed that no one is entirely sure why Stanford has that combination of a tree mascot and a random color as its name.

“At least we at UC Berkeley are consistent: We’re the Golden Bears, and our mascot is a Golden Bear,” said Chancellor Carol Christ. “I guess Stanford can paint a tree red or something?”

After intense debates, the UC Berkeley administration ultimately decided that the tree was the more iconic part of Stanford to target, as no one really knows or cares what “Cardinal” is.

This total deforestation in Berkeley was predictably difficult to push through official channels, with sources revealing that the campus administration had been fighting for the initiative for months leading up to the Big Game.

“Everyone is always complaining about how extreme we are at UC Berkeley,” Christ said this morning in a statement. “Now, they get to see exactly what that means. Plus, winter is coming, and we could use the firewood.”

When asked about the potential environmental impact, especially given the current poor air quality around the East Bay, the campus administration argued that the environmental damage was a necessary cost for rallying the Cal spirit leading up to the Big Game.

“Obviously, on Saturday, those suckers are going to fall as easily as all the actual trees we’re cutting down,” Christ said. “Go Bears!”

Oski himself has been spotted roaming around the city carrying a chainsaw, covered in dust and splinters as he brings back the ruined corpses of our conquered foes, in this case being the trees, in preparation for our ultimate victory.

“We know that it will take years for the city to fully recover from our efforts,” Wilcox said. “But everything comes at a cost, and this is one we are very willing to pay.”

Sources revealed that Stanford is also currently considering similar draconian efforts leading up to the Big Game, much to the horror of many animal rights activists and just decent human beings in general.

“What is wrong with all of you?” said Marshall Wang, a tourist from out of town who could probably have chosen a better time to visit.

Sorry, Marshall. We just be like this sometimes.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected].