When naughty is nice

Sex on Tuesday

This column was originally published in the Dec. 7, 2004 issue of The Daily Californian. It has been edited for clarity.

It’s official. The weather outside is frightful. That can only mean one thing — it’s time to prove your devotion to loved ones with tangible expressions that fit nicely into little gift boxes. This month, every publication out there is going to offer you their version of a gift-giving guide, so I’ll put in my 2 cents and offer you this XXX-mas version.

I think the best gifts are things you know the recipient will love but that they would never go out and buy for themselves. For a lot of people, sex toys fit the bill.

Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a vibrating cock ring.

It’s the most brilliant invention since the Swiffer. The stretchy, circular part fits around the base of a person’s balls to increase the duration, hardness and sensitivity of their erection, and the vibrating part can be worn at 12 o’clock to provide their partner clitoral stimulation or at 6 o’clock to stimulate their own cajones. If this is too expensive, a $2 gummy cock ring will suffice. Blueberry flavor, please.

David Beckham spent $1.8 million on a gift for his wife, the artist formerly known as Posh Spice. He bought her a custom-designed, diamond-encrusted vibrator. If you like this sentiment, but your budget is a fraction of a percent of Beckham’s, no problem.

Even vibrators that don’t bling can make great gifts. Simple bullet “vibes” shouldn’t run you more than a 20. For the shy, I recommend Hidden Pleasures. The company makes discreet little vibes disguised as lipstick or bottles of nail polish. If your girl is more of an exhibitionist, get her one of those vibrating egg keychains. I definitely predict them to be the new must-have accessory trend. Or at least a great conversation starter.

Are you more of a romantic? You should have no problem taking your pick from a number of more sensual options. Go for some coconut-scented massage oil or a silk robe or a blindfold. Sex shops sell wax body candles designed to melt at low temperatures so you can drip them over your lover’s body.

More of the arts and crafts type? Good Vibrations sells a make-your-own-dildo kit. It comes with everything you need to make a mold of your partner’s erect penis and then create a silicone cast of it. It comes in two colors: peach and chocolate.

In a long-distance relationship? Bring phone sex into the 21st century and invest in a pair of webcams.

Flat broke? No problem. Make your lover a book of coupons, each redeemable for whatever sexual favors you dream up. Just be sure to put an expiration date on them if your relationship is on the rocks.

Does your girl already have a well-stocked goody drawer? She probably doesn’t own a pair of vibrating panties yet. Have her slip them on before a party, and you keep the remote control. Or, she can wear them to the library and spice up her monotonous hours of studying. Just remember the principle of state-dependent recollection.

Interested in a gift that will expand your sex life as a couple? How about a swing? No, not the G-rated kind. You can buy a two-person swing with handles and foot slings that will help you and your partner discover a whole new world of gravity-defying sex positions. They run about $170 and attach to a hook you drill into your ceiling. You may want to invest in a punching bag or piñata to hang from the hook when the in-laws are in town.

Want something more lighthearted? How about a game? Remember when spin the bottle let you fulfill your curiosities under the guise of “I’m just following the rules”? Well, you never outgrow such a brilliant cop-out. I double dare you to buy your crush a set of “Dirty Dice” (one die has verbs — the other has body parts) or challenge them to a game of strip poker.

What type of response do you want to elicit when your honey unwraps a gift? Oh, you shouldn’t have. Gee, thanks. It’s just what I wanted. Or instead, do you want your recipient to blush slightly, smile coyly up at you for a moment, then jump you? That’s what I thought.

Sari Eitches was an undergraduate at UC Berkeley and is a former Daily Cal columnist.