Earlier this week, All-Star free agent Bruce Sharper announced he will take a step away from Major League Baseball and sign with the California Golden Bears baseball team. Prior to his announcement, Sharper had declined a $900 million contract from the Washington, D.C. ballclub he had played for in the past seven seasons.
“You know, a lot of people thought I was just gonna sign with whatever team offered me the most money, and I really thought that too,” said the Right Fielder. “But after some careful consideration, I came to realize that no team can pay me what I’m actually worth.”
Sharper explained to the press that he never actually cared about baseball in the first place, and that he only played the sport because he figured it would make for a lucrative career. When he first hit the free agency market, he made it clear that he was seeking a two-year, $3.4 billion contract from whatever team was willing to pay the price.
“It was the only number that, like, made any sense to me,” Sharper told The Daily Californian. “My jersey number is 34, so I figured the digits in my contract should reflect that. Know what I mean, bro?”
However, as Sharper learned it was unlikely he would make more than a mere $900 million this offseason, he came to realize the idea of attaining wealth through the sport was nothing but an empty promise.
“I’ve heard U.C. Berkeley’s got a pretty all-right business school,” said the reigning Home Run Derby champ. “That’s where the money’s at. Once I learn about the business aspect of things, which shouldn’t take long, I’ll probably come back to the big leagues and buy a team. I’ll be sure to lowball my players just like this league has lowballed me.”
When asked why a team should pay more than $900 million for a player who hit for a modest .249 batting average last season, Sharper didn’t hold back in his response.
“Look, bro. Let’s look past my stats and focus on the things that really matter here. My hair, my swag, my beard, you just can’t put a price tag on this stuff. And honestly, bro, it just sounds to me like you’re jealous. You couldn’t even hit .249 if you tried. That’s why you’re sitting here with your little pen and paper instead of being out there on the diamond crushing dingers.”
The All-Star says he will continue to play right field with the Bears and will also act as the team’s manager. Though he has no prior managerial experience, the 26-year-old is confident he can “teach the kiddos how to hit the long ball.”
When one reporter asked the former MVP if he was aware of the rules that prohibit professionals from returning to collegiate competition, he simply responded, “That’s a clown question, bro.”
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
Joey Patton covers men’s swimming and diving. Contact him at [email protected].