All you can eat buffet

Sex on Tuesday

This column was originally published in the Sept. 29, 2009 issue of The Daily Californian

Ladies — especially those of you who think I’m a sexist — you’re going to thank me for this one.

For whatever reason, in our society, there is a commonly held view of how sexual interactions should progress. Very basically, it is as follows: kissing, feeling, feeling of the privates, blowjob, maybe cunnilingus and finally, intercourse.

Notice “maybe cunnilingus.” For whatever reason, the concept that a man should be pleased orally, while a woman should not necessarily be similarly pleased has become ingrained into contemporary sexual practice. Without going on some extended philosophic rant about phallism, I’m going to encourage all you sexually active folks to pay a little more attention to the punani.

It always surprises me how many guys are grossed out by the idea of playing a girl’s fiddle to the point where they refuse to do it, and frankly, I’m astounded by the hypocrisy. Are you really telling me that you refuse to dive down into some harmless muff, and yet, you expect someone else to navigate your sweat-soaked privates? Doesn’t seem quite fair when it’s phrased like that, does it?

Not only is it unfair at face value, but it’s also unjust when thinking about it from a pleasure standpoint.

Unfortunately, our members were not designed with pushing girls to the point of orgasm in mind. While the penis does a great job of sliding in and out of the vaginal walls at Mach 4, it doesn’t really hit the “pussy’s pinnacle pleasure point,” aka the clitoris. So while you’re able to unload your, well, load, your girl is there sitting/kneeling/hanging from your pull-up bar wanting more from a guy who went limp faster than the Hindenburg.

Thus, the only way to get the job done right is through some serious clitoral stimulation. (For those of you still having trouble finding it, it’s at the top of the labia tucked behind the inner folds of the vulva. I wish I could give you more advice, but heck, I get lost down there from time to time). The numbers are fuzzy depending on which research study you consult, but basically, with foreplay, females are much more likely to orgasm. So unless you’re fine with her pulling out a vibrator while you’re in recovery mode, you need to get down there and start putting that slick tongue of yours to good use.

Come to think of it, that scenario would make for a great movie scene. Picture Jamie Foxx playing a machismo musician who thinks he’s the G.O.A.T. when it comes to the bedroom. After a passionate night with Eva Mendes, Foxx rolls over and grabs a cigarette from the bed stand. Simultaneously, Mendes slides her hand under the bed and unsheathes her vibrator, with which she casually uses to pleasure herself. Put in his place, Foxx stares at her while a mixture of embarrassment, mild amusement and inadequacy washes over his face.

Let’s also not forget that by refusing to eat it, you’re potentially missing out on some huge reciprocal benefits. 

At the end of the day though, I’m glad I do it. Not only does it enhance the overall experience, but I’m guessing she’s coming back for more. Chances are that some other kid thought he was “too much of a man” to go down on her.

Mustafa Shaikh was an undergraduate at UC Berkeley and is a former Daily Cal columnist.