With the crippling housing crisis looming over Berkeley and the UC Berkeley student population, campus has taken it upon itself to construct new housing for students using 3D printing technology. Berkeley Lab has partnered up with the College of Environmental Design to print about 301,589 bricks for new housing units in South Berkeley. Unfortunately, UC Berkeley constructed 90 percent of the housing units before a student passing by the new structures pointed out that most humans cannot physically fit into a 10-inch-by-10-inch plastic cube.
According to the Clog’s trusted sources, Chancellor Oski is personally working with the laboratory and the College of Environmental Design to fix the issue and remedy “Operation Dollhouse.”
The city of Berkeley’s housing crisis has been a long-standing issue that the university has faced, especially in most recent years. When asked about the issue, senior Homer Leslie remarked, “I mean, I would’ve been fine with the tents from the Fyre Festival, but I guess these tiny houses will have to do. At least I can fit half of my leftover lunch and an extra T-shirt or two in them, so long as I fold them using the KonMari method.”
A UC Housing representative mentioned that the units would have followed a standard “Hollywood Squares” setup, with each room separated by the next with a single layer of thin plastic brick. Reports hint that, after much deliberation, the university decided to use the “dollhouse-style” units to house community members’ pet rocks, since that was all that would fit inside such small quarters. The units, which would have come with a new security system consisting of motion sensors and a security camera monitored by a toy monkey holding cymbals as an alarm, will retain this system so the rocks have the utmost safety.
“We tried to be innovative in tackling the housing crisis, and even though we forgot that our students aren’t the size of mice, I think this is a step in the right direction,” the representative said. “At least we can use the leftovers as hotels in a game of giant Monopoly now.”
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
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