Sexy time… with Nicolas Cage? A guide to the worst hookup movies

Man screams in agony as his head is trapped in a cage full of bees.
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As Valentine’s Day dawns on Berkeley and the rest of the world, bringing with it an explosion of heart-shaped candies and booty calls, anyone looking to boink on this romantic night should be preparing for their ideal situation. From the meal before to the dimly lit candles setting the mood, every decision is important. And if you are following a classic movie-night setup for this evening, there’s no decision more important than which movie to watch.

There are going to be plenty of articles out there telling you what is the perfect movie to make that special someone swoon. But not enough people are going to be talking about which movies you shouldn’t watch on your V-Day. So without further ado, here’s The Daily Californian’s guide to the worst movies to hook up to.

 

“Gigli” (2003)

I don’t say this lightly: This is probably the worst movie of all time, and not in a fun way. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have the opposite of chemistry — every scene seems to imply that someone is just out of frame with a Taser, forcing them together. And that lack of chemistry and sexual tension is definitely contagious. Not to mention, there are so many weird plotlines in the movie that trying to have sex in real life while you’re watching it would probably give you whiplash. Save yourself the energy; you’re better off hooking up to a Yule log.

 

“Chef” (2014)

I’m not going to lie — this one, in particular, does come from personal experience. “Chef” has simply too many elements to be an effective movie for getting it on. Nothing will pull you out of the mood like seeing Jon Favreau dating Scarlett Johansson in one scene and then raising a kid with Sofia Vergara in the next. It’s definitely not the type of movie that makes you groan with passion, but rather with frustration when hearing Favreau’s character talk about how much he loves authentic Cuban cuisine. Throughout this experience, you won’t be thinking about how hot your partner is. You will be thinking, “Wait, is that Robert Downey Jr.?”

 

“Son of the Mask” (2005)

Honestly, do it. I dare you. See what happens.

 

“The Wicker Man” (2006)

If you’re looking to get down to Nicolas Cage getting stung by a bunch of bees, then this is definitely the movie for you. You might be able to let “The Wicker Man” settle into the background for a little bit, but you will be yanked back into it by Cage’s iconic deep vibrato screaming and making unreasonable demands. But hey, if you’re tired of having your sexy time interrupted by the loud and chaotic downward spiral occurring on-screen, you can always sit back and actually watch the movie. If that’s what you want to do, I have a great drinking game for you.

 

“Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip” (2015)

So, I’ve never hooked up to this movie, but I have watched it while running a high fever, and I imagine the experiences are a lot alike. Watching the fourth iteration of the “Alvin and the Chipmunks” collection is a high-stress, low-reward situation and not one that should be integrated into your sexual encounters. Plus, there are a lot of times you can’t tell if you’re hallucinating or if that actually is Bella Thorne dancing onstage with the Chips. I get that some people might be looking to spice up their sex lives this Valentine’s Day, but backing your foreplay with these high-pitched vocal ensembles is not the way to do it. At least, I don’t think it is.

 

Hopefully, with this list guiding some of your entertainment decisions, you’ll either avoid these films or have a very interesting, very tense Valentine’s night.

Maisy Menzies is the arts and entertainment editor. Contact her at [email protected].