Clog Report: Girl Scouts of USA overtake consulting clubs as most powerful group on campus

Brian Bi/Staff

As the new semester is well underway, the stones of Sproul Plaza have already been met with eager and passionate students who can’t help but share their love for consulting and their very own professional fraternities with the campus community.

Despite their eagerness, however, these experienced and professional individuals find themselves falling short to a new group of students on campus: The Girl Scouts of the USA.

Founded in 1912, this prestigious and elite group of young women, who somehow haven’t yet found their way into the UC admissions system, have quickly become the queens of Sproul Plaza, earning what seems like millions through the sheer transaction of cash and cookies, as they prey on hungry college students who are desperate for any sense of happiness and nostalgia of childhood.

In fact, nearly every day for the past four weeks, hundreds of students have been seen swarming the Girl Scouts table, while Berkeley consulting groups stand under their tents with a full stack of flyers still in hand — not a prospective applicant in sight.

Several consulting groups have acknowledged the dominance of these elementary school girls and their moms, and how they’ve caused the consulting groups to fall down on the Sproul tabling totem pole. Many have even sent club invites to several Girl Scouts, hoping to learn their secrets and steal their youth and energy, as well as their lifetime supply of Thin Mints and Tagalongs.

In response to this new rise in campus clout, local Berkeley elementary student Emily, a member of the elite Girl Scouts Troop 817, shared her thoughts: “Cookies are my life. I live to fuel the capitalist engine and sell this tasty product until I’ve qualified to earn the free Apple TV set. I’m a firm believer in social Darwinism, and if these other groups can’t keep up, then it’s just a form of natural selection.”

While many of these consulting groups have extended invites to Girl Scout members to learn their secrets, some of the top, most sought after consulting clubs find themselves worried about the future of their applicant pool and status as an elite group on campus. With more and more students succumbing to the Girl Scouts, seen by the colorful boxes depicting friendship, only time will tell if the Girl Scouts of the USA will become the most successful consulting group on campus.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Zachary Abuel-Saud at [email protected].