Quiz: Should you have just ordered that boba?

A translucent cup filled with yellow liquid sits on a countertop.
Karen Chow/File

Boba, bubble tea, Earth’s worst fiber supplement replacement — however you refer to this quintessential Berkeley drink that we all always seem to be craving but that admittedly leaves us plopped upon our toilets for hours (and sometimes even days) — it always seems to be a point of inner turmoil. Thus, when the craving strikes (and oh, we know it will), we ask ourselves: to buy that boba or not to buy that boba? That is the question.

And sometimes, once we’ve already “stumbled” into one of the zillion boba shops that can be found at every other Bancroft and Telegraph storefront and every third building on campus, we’re already buying said wretched drink before we even know it. So, should you have purchased that boba just now? We at the Clog are here to let you know.

  1. What did you order?
    1. Honeydew milk tea with boba, 100 percent sweetness, no ice
    2. Honey milk tea with boba, 50 percent sweetness, light ice
    3. Jasmine milk tea with boba, 30 percent sweetness, regular ice
    4. Coffee milk tea without boba, 0 percent sweetness, regular ice
  2. Why did you order what you ordered?
    1. My sweet tooth was tingling.
    2. Just needed something to tide me over until my next meal (re: boba).
    3. Nothing sparks joy like a nice, refreshing glass of boba.
    4. I need to pull an all-nighter, badly.
  3. Where did you order it from?
    1. Boba Ninja 
    2. Yi Fang
    3. Asha Tea House 
    4. RareTea
  4. When was the last time you bought boba before this?
    1. Three months ago
    2. Three hours ago
    3. Last week
    4. Yesterday
  5. When was the last time you looked at the nutrition facts for boba?
    1. Nutrition? Facts? Boba has those things?
    2. I’m constantly reading the nutrition facts for boba to convince myself that it’s fine that I’m constantly consuming it.
    3. Where do I find said nutrition facts?
    4. Never have I ever read “boba nutrition facts.”
  6. What was the real reason you decided to order boba?
    1. Decide? I didn’t even realize I did it. 
    2. You think this was a conscious decision? My subconscious haunts me about boba 24/7.
    3. I wanted it. Plain and simple. 
    4. I NEED IT. 
  7. When was the last time you had fruits or vegetables?
    1. A couple of weeks ago.
    2. What are those?
    3. Today! I always eat a balanced meal when I’m going for boba.
    4. If you’re referring to the vegetable that is “caffeine,” I guess you could say today and every day.
  8.  
    1. Absolutely not! That pregame at Beta Apple Pie got you good. Your friends tried to stop you from running down Durant and straight into Boba Ninja with your debit card in hand, but it was too late. Brace yourself, because you’ll be getting a call from your parents soon about a suspicious charge made at RareTea right before closing at 10:30 p.m. Big yikes.
    2. NO! You’re practically made of tapioca at this point, and the next time you see your doctor, they ought to have a talk with you. Repeat after us: Boba is not a meal replacement. Get some real food in you, for the love of Clog.
    3. No. Sure, you thought ordering a neutral boba flavor with minimal sweetness would be a great choice. But, darn, were you all sorts of wrong. Run, Forrest, run (to the nearest bathroom near you)! You have many hours of sitting ahead, so brace yourself, ’cause it’s going to be a bumpy (or smooth) ride.
    4. Heck to the no. You basically just bought coffee for $4.50.

Chloe Lelchuk is the blog editor. Contact Chloe Lelchuk at [email protected].