The certifiably absolute worst type of people: lecture edition

A person raising their hand, a person with a skateboard in the next seat, and a person eating a meal at a desk.
Katrina Romulo /Staff

We at the Clog are firm believers in the philosophy of what goes around comes around. And in our humble opinion, the time has come for all of the lecture heathens out there to face the music. So, we have taken this noble cause upon our own shoulders and we shall bear the burden of delivering justice to the masses. A passive-aggressive subtweet will simply not suffice. Read on if you want, nay need, to hear the five worst types of Berkeley students that you find in lecture to get a flat-out, no holds barred, hot off the grill roast.

To all the people who eat a five-course meal in lecture…

You’re telling us there is genuinely no better time or place to eat your Subway sandwich, sir? This is Math 16A, not the Asian Ghetto. You cause us legitimate physical pain listening to you chew with your mouth open and to be frank, more than anything we are just worried about your academic success. There’s no way you can be taking notes while your greasy little fingers are wrapped around that (pitch) fork.

To all the people who take the seat on the end of the empty row…

You would be the one to call shotgun before you have even gotten anywhere near the car, AKA a person with the maturity of a 12-year-old boy (at best). You think we don’t see you but trust us, we do. You take the end seat when the whole row is empty and make everyone else awkwardly shuffle past you and hold their breaths praying they don’t trip this time. Honestly here’s the thing: maybe you have broad shoulders, maybe you’re a lefty, maybe you like the aisle seat for easy exit in case of an emergency — but we, the masses, just don’t care. Do us all a favor, take one for the team and scooch ya booch.

To all the people who lack skateboard etiquette…

Hmm, yes, you know what seems like a really great idea now that you mention it? Throwing your skateboard under your arm and blindly making aggressively sharp turns, that’s what. There’s nothing like a wipeout via your frat-mobile to wake us up for lecture. But the real #tender part is when you give your skateboard a designated seat next to you in lecture. Maybe you should look into a seatbelt for it too? We know that a solid 75 percent of your positive self-esteem rides on your skateboard so it would be a true tragedy if anything were to happen to her.  :,(

To all the people who ask a question with T-minus 15 seconds left of class…

It’s about time someone told you this … we (the entire student body of UC Berkeley) have convened and decided we hate you. Sorry, not sorry. Our burning question though is why do you do what you do? Do you like to hear your own voice? Do you want to spite us? These are not rhetorical questions, we really must know.

To all the people who won’t put a cork in it…

Listen up Becky, and listen close. We do understand that your mission to get Jenny to spill who Chad is taking to his Apple Delta Pie date party next week without coming off too desperate is, like, super-duper important — that way, you can report it back to the group chat. But, by the time we can tell you all the names and (bonus points for us) the sequence of Chad’s past girlfriends more accurately than our notes from lecture, something must be done. Shut your pie hole or we may just have to shut it for you (with a low-fat soy pie — don’t worry)!

You are welcome, Bears. Justice has been served up hot, and a roast was on the menu. No hard feelings though lecture heathens, we roast you because we love you. Keep on keeping on, minus your lecture habits, that is. Please dispose of those ASAP.

Contact McKenna Hathaway at [email protected].